SCHOOLBOY: EPISODE 3
LORD DA VILLA
2023/03/17
Sonny “Crunch” Berger, the captain of the school’s football team, arrives on the school terrace in a huff. He shouts:
SONNY:
Where’s Dirk?
ANGEL:
Not here yet.
When Sonny sees the graffiti on the school wall, he walks over to examine it.
When Carlos arrives and spots Sonny, he shouts:
CARLOS:
Sonny!
Sonny turns to Carlos.
SONNY:
You seen Dirk?
Carlos wags his finger at Sonny as he approaches him.
CARLOS:
Could be
Or not could be
Tha ees tha question
Sonny.
Carlos chuckles. Sonny grabs Carlos’ wagging finger and forces him to his knees.
A a a aah!
The students laugh.
SONNY:
Could be
Or not could be
I make a lasting impression.
Where would you like
The hole in your head?
I’m open to suggestions!
The students laugh.
CARLOS:
Behind me, Sonny.
Ees right behind me.
PEARCE:
Fellow delinquents
Rule-breakers an’ benders
Budding criminal minds
Blossoming young offenders
Girls an’ boys
Girls an’ boys
It’s time to make a howling noise
For Lord Da Villa
Our homework deala!
When Dirk Da Villa arrives with his assistants Kandi and Kashee, the students on the terrace howl and cheer. Dirk climbs several steps to the school entrance and then turns to his followers.
DIRK:
Lord Da Villa!
Your Doctor Doolittle.
I do your homework for you
So you don’t have to fiddle.
The students howl and cheer.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
No fiddle dee dee!
No fiddle dee dum!
DIRK:
The doctor gets your . . .
Dirk raises his hands to prompt a response from his followers.
STUDENTS:
Homework done!
The students howl. Sonny approaches Dirk.
SONNY:
What took you so long?
I been waitin’ an hour.
DIRK:
Waiting an hour?
Are you sure?
SONNY:
Yeah!
Dirk snaps his fingers. Kandi and Kashee turn to Sonny.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Free advice from Dr. Nice
If you’ve been waiting an hour.
DIRK:
Never fix your watch, Sonny
When taking a shower.
The students on the terrace laugh at Sonny.
SONNY:
What’s that s’pposed to mean?
DIRK:
It means
How did someone
So fucking stupid
Become the captain
Of our football team?
The students laugh. Having once challenged Dirk, Sonny would never think of doing so again.
Freaking out
’Cause you forgot about
That important homework deadline?
SONNY:
Could be.
Could be.
DIRK:
I polish your shoes.
I let you snooze.
I let you win
When you should lose.
I let you dance on the red line!
STUDENTS:
Red line!
Red line!
Dirk turns to his followers.
DIRK:
Help yourself!
Help yourself!
To a little plastic sunshine!
STUDENTS:
Sunshine!
Sunshine!
Kandi and Kashee fan themselves with a handful of credit cards.
DIRK:
Slip, tap, slide
Take mommy’s plastic
Out for a ride.
It’s for your education.
She’s on your side!
The students howl.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Slip, tap, slide
Walk on your dark side.Everybody’s doin’ it.
Don’t get left behind!
The students howl.
DIRK:
Is there anyone here so stupid
They would choose to be
The class idiot?
The students boo.
Stop wasting precious time!
Jump to the front of the line.
Screw the queue!
Do what all rich people do.
If they can do it!
So can you!
The Dirk’s audience howls.
All I ask
All I ask
A little token appreciation
For saving your dumb ass
From your failing situation.
I do your time.
I make you shine.
I get that homework shit . . .
STUDENTS:
Off my mind!
DIRK:
Will do.
Will do.
Long as you
Remember to
Pay your Godfather for your crime.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Blue skies!
Blue skies!
In the Land of Milk and Honey
Where wishes all come true
When you’ve got the money!
DIRK:
To make your wish come true, Sonny
Go get the money!
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Money!
Money!
Money!
Sonny leaves.