DR. HOMEWORKHELPER
2023/03/17
On the school terrace, Dirk continues to promote his homework services.
DIRK:
As you know
As you know
Dr. HomeworkHelper is online
Still
I like to get out
From time to time.
As promised
Five free credits
For coming out.
Ten
If you’re starting a new account.
See Kandi or Kashee
Over by the graffiti.
Kandi and Kashee move to the side of the terrace to serve Dr. HomeworkHelper clients. Dirk continues to pitch his services.
Admit it!
Admit it!
You’re so far behind
You’re never gonna get it.
Bye
Bye-bye
To another high school credit.
Hasta la vista
Graduation certificate.
You’re a loser for life
If you don’t get it!
The students boo.
Eliminate the work
In, home work.
The students cheer.
Avoid the public crash
Of an intensely debasing
Student-teacher clash.
The students howl and boo.
Broken brothers!
Twisted sisters
Don’t give your brain
Homework blisters!
End the nightmares
Caused by homework fears.
Enjoy the luxury
Of homework-free
High school years.
Get on the fast track
To homework deliverance.
Reverse the damage done
To your self-confidence.
Does anyone have the right
To make you feel stupid
Day after fucking day?
STUDENTS:
No way!
No way!
DIRK:
It’s time to pay the bastards back!
Take control of your destiny!
The students howl and cheer.
All I ask
All I ask
A little tenderness.
Legal
Tenderness, that is.
A little token appreciation
For saving your dumbassFrom your shithole situation.
Smart students don’t fail!
They’re no dummy.
They outsource their homework.
Get it done professionally.
The students cheer. Dirk points at his assistants.
Best way
Best way
To deal with homework stress
Take the shortcut to
The Land Of Homework Happiness!
The students cheer.
Be the smart kid in your class!
Get on good terms with the brass.
Let ’em think you’re kissing ass.
This can be you.
You!
Dirk pulls a paper from his back pocket and mimics a student delivering his homework assignment to his teacher.
Got my homework right here, Miss.
Been workin’ all night an’ day on this.
Contrary
To what you think a me
Miss Boulderass
I wanna be a brain surgeon
So I need to pass
More than just natural gas
In your boring
Fuckin’ useless class.
The students cheer and howl.
Help me out!
Help me out!
I’m no Beaver Cleaver!
STUDENTS:
I’m no Beaver Cleaver!
DIRK:
I’m a true believer!
STUDENTS:
I’m a true believer!
DIRK:
In the power of cash!
STUDENTS:
Power of cash!
DIRK:
To save me from the teacher’s wrath!
STUDENTS:
Save me from the teacher’s wrath!
DIRK:
Is that sick?
STUDENTS:
Sick!
Sick!
DIRK:
Is that demented?
STUDENTS:
Demented!
Demented!
DIRK:
A diller
A dollar
For your homeboy scholar
Will save you from being tormented!
STUDENTS:
Tormented!
Tormented!
DIRK:
Watch your pathetic grades rise.
Tell your mama you won
The “Most Improved Student Prize.”
Printed on parchment paper
Gold-sealed and stamped
It makes home life sunny
And a really good time
To be hustling for money.
Mom, dad
Grandma, grandpa
Uncles cousins aunts
Show them the certificate.
They’re suckers
For this kind’a shit.
Get an allowance increase.
Ask for a cash advance.
Everybody’s happy.
It’s a two-way romance.
Dirk’s followers howl.