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MIXED BAG 2
Kids on Marriage and Dating
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. Alan, age 10 No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids. Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynnette, age 8 On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich. Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there? Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck. Ricky, age 10
YOU’RE KIDDING
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy.
Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbits.
Charles Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the ‘Organ of the Species’.
CLOSE TO THE END
My dear dear Mother,
If you don’t let me come home I die – I am all over ink,
and my fine clothes have been spoilt – I have been tost in a blanket, and seen a ghost.
I remain, my dear dear Mother,
Your dutiful and most unhappy son, Freddy.
P.S. Remember me to my Father.
Frederick Reynolds, schoolboy letter, on his second day of school.
(written 1775; published in Westminster School’s magazine)
Johnny goes to school one day and the teacher says today we are going to talk about what our father’s do for a living. Billy puts his hand up and says my Dad’s a lawyer he puts bad guys in jail. Very good replies the teacher. Little Teddy puts his hand up and says my Dad’s a doctor he makes sick people feel better. Very good replies the teacher. Everyone in the class has answered except for Johnny. The teacher asks what does you’re Dad do Johnny? My Dad’s dead he replies. I am so sorry to hear that says the teacher. But what did he do before he died? asks the teacher, Johnny replies: HE TURNED BLUE AND SHIT ON THE CARPET!
Try this Proverbs Exercise with your Kids
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He
gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and
asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids
came up with:
People in glass houses shouldn’t . . . run around naked.
Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the . . . bug is close.
It’s always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don’t bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.
No news is . . . impossible.
A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog . . . math.
If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the
morning.
Love all, trust . . . me.
The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.
An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.
Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.
A penny saved is . . . not much.
Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.
None are so blind as . . . Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed . . . get new batteries.
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.
When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.
There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.
A kindergarten teacher was driving a group of children home one day, when a fire truck zoomed past them. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian.
The children started to talk about the dog’s duties.
One little boy said, “The firemen use him to keep the crowds back.”
“No,” a little girl said, “he’s just for good luck.”
Finally, a third child brought the argument to a close….
“The firemen use the dog to find the fire hydrant,” she said firmly.
Answers to 5th Grade Science Exams:
When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.
Water is composed of 2 gins, Oxygin & Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin.
Hydrogin is gin and water.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Respiration is composed of 2 acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
The moon is a planet just like earth, only it is even deader.
Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
A permanent set of teeth consists of 8 canines, 8 cuspids, 2 molars, & 8 cuspidors.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.
All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Liter: A nest of young puppies.
Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.
For dog bite: Put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.
For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.
Definitely Defining “Definitely”
The kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely” to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.
When called upon the first student says ” The sky is definitely blue”.
The teacher said ” Well that isn’t entirely correct because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy”.
Another student says” Grass is definitely green”.
Teacher again replies ” If grass doesn’t get enough water it turns brown, so that isn’t really correct”.
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher “Do farts have lumps?”.
The teacher replied, “No, and that is not a suitable question for class discussion”.
The student replies, “Then I definitely shit my pants”.
5th and 6th Grade Responses to Science Questions
– There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the
letters are yet to be discovered.
– Genetics explains why you look like your father,
and if you don’t, why you should.
– Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to
let them know we know they’re there.
– The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation.
Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people
forget to put the top on.
– Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big
Enough to be called a drop, it does.
– Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why
they look like umbrellas.
– Momentum is something you give a person when they
go away.
– A monsoon is a French gentleman.
– The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it
is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
– To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
– When planets run around and around in circles, we
say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they
are crazy.
– For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until
the patient is dead.
– Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Sixth Grader’s Responses on History Tests
Some of the best humor is in the misspelling.
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
7. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
8. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
9. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented
removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
10. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
14. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between, he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers. This is cute.
Subject: First Grader Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child
in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with
the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While
reading these
> keep in mind that these are first graders… “6” year olds, because the
last one is classic!
>
> Better to be safe than………………….punch a 5th grader.
>
> Strike while the ………………………bug is close.
>
> It’s always darkest before………………Daylight Saving Time.
>
> Never underestimate the power of…………termites.
>
> You can lead a horse to water but………..how?
>
> Don’t bite the hand that………………..looks dirty.
>
> No news is…………………………….impossible.
>
> A miss is as good as a………………….Mr.
>
> You can’t teach an old dog new…………..math.
>
> If you lie down with dogs, you’ll………..stink in the morning.
>
> Love all, trust………………………..me.
>
> The pen is mightier than the…………….pigs.
>
> An idle mind is………………………..the best way to relax.
>
> Where there’s smoke there’s……………..pollution.
>
> Happy the bride who…………………….gets all the presents.
>
> A penny saved is……………………….not much.
>
> Two’s company, three’s………………….the Musketeers.
>
> Don’t put off till tomorrow what…………you put on to go to bed.
>
> Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and…..you have to
> blow your nose.
>
> Children should be seen and not………….spanked or grounded.
>
> If at first you don’t succeed……………get new batteries.
>
> You get out of something only what you….. see in the picture on the box.
>
> And………
>
> Better late than………………………pregnant!!!!
