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THE CLASSROOM 1
I never did very well in math – I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn’t meant my answers literally. Calvin Trillin
I am teaching . . . It’s kind of like having a love affair with a rhinoceros. Anne Sexton
It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others – and less trouble. Mark Twain
The Simpsons
“It’s just hard not to listen to TV:
it’s spent so much more time raising us than you have.” Bart
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try. Homer Simpson
The Common Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they’d found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was. “It’s a period,” he replied. “I can see that,” said the teacher, “but what is so exciting about a period?”
“Darned if I know,” he said, “but this morning my sister was missing one, mommy fainted, daddy had a heart attack and the man next door shot himself.”
Observe Carefully
A biology teacher was giving a class on Observation.
He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid, and said:
“This is urine. To be a good doctor, you have to be observant to the things around you. For example: color, smell, sight and taste.”
After saying that, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, but mostly, in disgust.
But, being the good students that they were, the jar was passed around, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.
After the last student was done, the teacher shook his head in disagreement.
“If any of you had been observant enough, then you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”
Careers Education: Sincerity and Success
Students always want to know the secret to success. And they’re only interested in the one sentence formula. As a professional educator with many years of experience in both teaching and the world of business I’ve finally figured out what to tell them. I always tell them that the secret of success is sincerity. “Once you can fake that” I tell them, “you’ve got it made.”
The Simple Solution
“If a child shows himself to be incorrigible, he should be decently and quietly beheaded at the age of twelve, lest he grow to maturity, marry, and perpetuate his kind.” Don Marquis
Arithmetic Test
1960s straight arithmetic version: “A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?”
1970s new-math version: “A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What cardinality of Set P is profits in non-specific terms?”
1980s feel good about yourself version: “A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and circle the number 20. Take as long as you like.”
1990s environmental consciousness version: “A tree butcher cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 rare Sequoia trees in order to make a measly $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you would feel if someone took an axe to you. Topic for discussion: How did the forests and squirrels feel? Is there any real profit in this?” (Hint: The answer is a two- letter word.)
2010s parking lot version: “If there were such a thing as a logger (a person who used to cut down trees), a forest (a place where plants used to grow), with trees (those tall things that used to sprout out of the ground), ah forget it . . . . ” Geography Teacher: Getting Their Attention
If you’re a geography teacher and you desperately need to get your kids more motivated, here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in. After this, you’ll have your students eating out of the palm of your hand. Guaranteed!
History Lesson: Nice Touch for Concluding your Viking Unit
Tell your kids that when the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”
History Lesson: Teaching about the Conquistadors
Student: “What were the conquistadors like?”
Teacher: “Well let’s put it this way, if you were a poor Aztec with no weapons and bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, ‘I swallowed it. So sue me.'”
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good I
Children need encouragement. If a student gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a healthy lucky guess feeling.
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good II
If a kid asks where the rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “probably because of something you did.”
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good III (Kids Love This)
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but is was getting pretty late.
History Lesson: Socrates
“Sure, everyone always said ‘Socrates what is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Socrates how can I find happiness’, but did anyone ever say ‘Socrates hemlock is poison.’????” Socrates minutes before his death
Please don’t do this to kids.
I hated my math teacher. He did everything he could to embarrass me. One day in front of the whole class he asked me to count to ten – from memory!
Careful What You Ask
The teacher brings a statue of Venus into class and asks, “What do you like best about it, class? Let’s start with you, Robert.”
“The artwork,” says Robert.
“Very good. And you, Peter?”
“Her tits!” says Peter.
“Peter, get out! Go stand in the hall,” responds the teacher with disgust. “And you, Johnny?”
“I’m leaving, teacher, I’m leaving…” says Johnny
