On a dark and cold
November morning
three brass lanterns
in the vestibule
of an inner city high school
cast their pale light to the world.
It seeps through the cracked
and dust-encrusted windowpanes
of three arched stone transoms
above three oak doors
and slips down fifteen steps
to the terrace below –
where it rises up like a ghost
to tell an untold
Iwarrior’s tale.
A siren whines in the distance as a beatboxing hoodie dances up the steps to the school terrace.
When he finds his chosen spot, the night writer drops his backpack and goes to work. He is soon joined by others.
As they work on their production, some writers step forward to show off their new dance moves; others, to kick their latest rhymes.
When the work is finished, all perform the Dance of the Night Writers.
Upon hearing the voices of approaching students, the night writers grab their backpacks and race away.
Pearce, Angel, and their friends, are the first to arrive at school. When he steps up to the school terrace from the street below, Pearce sees the fresh graffiti on the school wall.
He walks over to examine it.
Pearce climbs several steps to the school entrance, and turns to the growing number of students on the terrace.
PEARCE:
It would appear!
It would appear!
We got a new school name here!
Some students on the terrace cheer. Angel joins Pearce.
Please, welcome
My very own . . .
Glittering, glowing
Lady Golden!
The students on the terrace cheer, when Pearce holds up one of Angel’s hands to show off her gold-adorned fingers.
When my sugar needs sweetenin’
That’s when I give her things.
She’s got a real bad sweet tooth
For all that is golden.
ANGEL:
I’d be lyin’.
No use denyin’
I love all things golden.
Golden.
Angel snuggles up to Pearce.
Baby . . .
You got something for me?
PEARCE:
Could be.
Could be.
ANGEL:
Show me!
Show me!
PEARCE:
Something, I picked out for you.
Pearce pulls a golden bracelet from his jacket pocket and holds it up. The students on the terrace cheer. Pearce attaches the bracelet to Angel’s wrist.
ANGEL:
It’s beautiful.
It’s just what I wanted.
How did you know?
PEARCE:
You pointed it out on
You know who.
ANGEL:
I can’t help it!
Can’t help it.
I love golden things.
You make me feel special with your
Love offerings.
Queenie queenie
Loves her king
When he gives her
Gives her things.
The students on the terrace cheer. Angel gives Pearce a hot kiss.
ANGEL’S FRIENDS:
Queenie, queenie
Loves her king
When he gives her
Gives her things.
ANGEL:
When you gimme
Gimme things
I know your love
Is genuine.
Like a flower blossoming
All my petals opening
When you gimme
Gimme things.
PEARCE:
Head to toe
Head to toe
You need love to show.
Need to know it’s the real thing.
ANGEL:
I do
I do
Need you to show me
Your love is true.
Angel turns to the students on the terrace.
Cleopatra!
Queen Nefertiti
Never, ever
Looked so pretty.
Over and over
I get told
I get told
“Princess Diana
Never had that much gold!”
ANGEL’S FRIENDS:
Over and over
She gets told
She gets told
“Princess Diana
Never had that much gold!”
The students cheer. Yu-Gwan and her friends have been watching Angel’s performance. When she can bear it no longer, she shouts:
YU-GWAN:
It’s all stolen!
The music stops. The students on the terrace boo.
PEARCE:
Stolen?
Stolen?
I don’t think so!
I work my fingers to the bone
Keepin’ the economy goin’.
I make sure assets stay liquid
Get circulated
Reallocated
Ownership-updated
Or as I like to state it
Robin Hood, innated.Okay?
The students cheer.
Whatever
But, never . . .
Stolen!
I don’t fuckin’ steal.
I promote sharing.
Sharing!
An’ for those
Who don’t get the concept
I’m here to fuckin’ help them!
Okay?
The students laugh and cheer.
Don’t laugh!
Don’t laugh!
Here, there
Now an’ then
Some people need
A little help from their friends.
The students cheer.
I just want them to know
I’m here for them.
’Cause sharing, sharing
Is a beautiful fuckin’ thing!
The students cheer.
ANGEL:
She’s jealous
’Cause I got a man
Likes to gimme things.
She’s prob’ly still wearin’ ’em
Dollar store rings
With the flaky gold
An’ plastic diamonds.
The students on the terrace laugh at Yu-Gwan.
YU-GWAN:
Cleopatra will change her song
When Caesar is gone.
ANGEL:
Gone?
He’s not goin’ nowhere.
YU-GWAN:
How do you know?
ANGEL:
What do you know?
Yu-Gwan pulls a crystal out from under her coat. As she warms it with her hands and breath, it begins to glow.
YU-GWAN:
The genie in the crystal knows.
The genie can see.
Genie . . .
Genie . . .
Speak through me.
Tell me the fate to befall
Queen Nefertiti.
Hide nothing at all.
Yu-Gwan’s face darkens. As her eyes begin to glow, the genie in the crystal speaks through her.
THE GENIE:
This morning
This morning
In English class
Queen Nefertiti
Shall meet her ugly past.
Past.
Past.
He he he he he he he.
The students on the terrace boo. As the light in the crystal fades, Yu-Gwan returns to her normal self.
ANGEL:
What the hell was that?
This morning in English class
Miss Circus Freak
Can kiss my golden ass!
The students on the terrace laugh at Yu-Gwan as she and her friends leave.
On the school terrace, Sonny “Crunch” Berger, the captain of the school football team, arrives in a huff.
SONNY:
Where’s Dirk?
ANGEL:
Not here yet.
When Sonny sees the graffiti on the school wall, he walks over to examine it.
When Carlos arrives and spots Sonny, he shouts:
CARLOS:
Sonny!
Sonny turns to Carlos.
SONNY:
You seen Dirk?
As he approaches Sonny, Carlos plays the clown. He wags his finger at Sonny as he continues.
CARLOS:
Could be
Or not could be.
Tha ees tha question.
Jess?
Carlos laughs. Sonny grabs Carlos’ finger and forces him to his knees.
A a a aah!
The students laugh.
SONNY:
Could be
Or not could be
I make a lasting impression.
Where would you like
The hole in your head?
I’m open to suggestions.
The students laugh.
CARLOS:
Behind me!
Ees right behind me, Sonny.
Pearce announces:
PEARCE:
Fellow delinquents!
Rule-breakers an’ benders
Budding criminal minds
Blossoming young offenders.
Boys an’ girls
Girls an’ boys
It’s time to make a howling noise
For Lord Da Villa!
Among other things
Our homework deala!
The students on the terrace howl when Dirk Da Villa arrives with his assistants Kandi and Kashee.
Dirk climbs several steps to the school entrance and then turns to his followers on the terrace.
DIRK:
Lord Da Villa!
Your, Doctor Doolittle.
I do your homework for you
So you don’t have to fiddle!
The students cheer.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
No fiddle dee dee.
No fiddle dee dum.
DIRK:
The doctor gets your . . .
Dirk raises his hands to solicit a response from his followers on the terrace.
STUDENTS:
Homework done!
The students cheer. Sonny approaches Dirk.
SONNY:
What took you so long?
I been waiting an hour.
DIRK:
Waiting an hour?
Are you sure?
SONNY:
Yeah!
I’m sure.
Dirk snaps his fingers. Kandi and Kashee turn to Sonny.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Free advice
From Dr. Nice
If you’ve been waiting an hour.
DIRK:
Never fix your watch, Sonny
When taking a shower.
The students on the terrace laugh at Sonny.
SONNY:
What’s that s’pposed to mean?
DIRK:
It means How did Mr. Fucking Stupid
Become the Captain our football team!
The students laugh. Having once challenged Dirk, Sonny would never think of doing so again.
Freaking out
’Cause you forgot about
That important homework deadline?
SONNY:
Could be.
Could be.
DIRK:
I polish your shoes.
I let you snooze.
I let you win
When you should lose.
I let you dance on the red line!
STUDENTS:
Red line!
Red line!
DIRK:
Help yourself
Help yourself
To a little plastic sunshine!
Kandi and Kashee fan themselves with a handful of credit cards.
STUDENTS:
Sunshine!
Sunshine!
DIRK:
Slip, tap, slide.
Take mommy’s plastic out for a ride.
It’s for your education.
She’s on your side!
The students howl.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Slip, tap, slide.
Take a walk on your dark side.
Everybody’s doing it.
Don’t be left behind!
The students howl.
DIRK:
Is there anyone here so stupid
They would choose to be
The class idiot?
The students boo.
Stop wasting precious time.
Jump to the front of the line.
Fuck the queue.
Do what all rich people do.
If they can do it so can you!
The students howl and cheer.
All I ask
All I ask
A little token appreciation
For saving your dumb ass
From your failing situation.
I do your time.
I make you shine.
I get that homework shit . . .
STUDENTS:
Off my mind!
DIRK:
Will do
Will do
Long as you remember to
Pay your Godfather for your crime.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Blue skies!
Blue skies!
In the Land of Milk and Honey
Where wishes all come true
When you have the money.
DIRK:
To make your wish come true, Sonny
Get the money!
Get the money!
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Money!
Money!
Money!
Sonny leaves.
Dirk continues to promote his homework services to his followers on the school terrace.
DIRK:
As you know
As you know
DrNoHomework is online.
Still
I like to get out from time to time.
As promised
Five free credits for coming out.
Ten
If you’re starting a new account.
See Kandi or Kashee
Over by the graffiti!
Kandi and Kashee move to the side of the terrace to serve DrNoHomework customers. Dirk continues to pitch his services.
Admit it!
Admit it!
You’re so far behind
You’re never gonna get it.
Bye, bye-bye
To another high school credit.
Hasta la vista
Graduation certificate.
You’re a loser for life
If you don’t fuckin’ have it!
The students boo.
Eliminate the work in homework.
Avoid the public crash
Of another intensely debasing
Student-teacher clash.
Broken brothers!
Twisted sisters!
No need to give your brain
Homework blisters!
End the nightmares
Caused by homework fears.
Enjoy the luxury
Of homework-free
High school years.
The students boo.
Get on the fast track
To homework deliverance.
Reverse the institutional damage done
To your fucked-up self-confidence!
Does anyone have the right
To make you feel stupid
Day after fucking day?
Do they?
Do they?
STUDENTS:
No way!
No way!
DIRK:
It’s time to pay the bastards back.
Take control of your destiny!
The students howl and cheer.
All I ask
All I ask
A little tenderness.
Legal tender
Ness, that is.
A little token appreciation
For saving your dumbass
From your shithole situation!
The students howl.
Stop wasting precious time.
Ring that success bell!
We’ve got what you need
Guarantee what we sell.
Best way
Best way
To deal with your homework mess
And this is not a guess . . .
Dirk points at his assistants.
Take the shortcut
To the Land of Homework Happiness.
Bask in the academic sunshine.
Be the smart kid in your class.
Get on good terms with the brass.
Let ’em think you’re kissing ass.
This can be you.
You!
Dirk pulls a paper from his back pocket and mimics a student delivering his homework assignment to his teacher.
I got my homework
Right here, Miss.
I put a lot a work into this.
Contrary
To what you think of me
Miss Boulderass
I wanna be a brain surgeon
So I need to pass
More ’an just natural gas
In your boring fuckin’ class.
Okay?
The students cheer and howl.
Help me out!
Help me out!
I’m no Beaver Cleaver!
STUDENTS:
I’m no Beaver Cleaver!
DIRK:
I’m a true believer!
STUDENTS:
I’m a true believer!
DIRK:
In the power of cash!
STUDENTS:
Power of cash!
DIRK:
To save me from the teacher’s wrath!
STUDENTS:
Save me from the teacher’s wrath!
DIRK:
Is that sick?
STUDENTS:
Sick!
DIRK:
Demented?
STUDENTS:
Demented!
DIRK:
A diller
A dollar
For your homeboy scholar
Will save you from being tormented.
Watch your pathetic grades rise.
STUDENTS:
Rise!
Rise!
DIRK:
Tell your mama you won
The “Most Improved Student” prize.
STUDENTS:
Prize!
Prize!
DIRK:
Our “Most Improved Student” diploma
On parchment paper
Gold-sealed and stamped
Makes home life sunny
And a really great time
To be asking for money.
Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa
Show them the certificate.
They’re suckers for this kind’a shit.
A perfect time to hit them
For a cash contribution
To support your medical school, ambition.
Dirk’s followers howl and cheer.
Get an allowance increase.
Ask for a double advance.
You make them happy.
They give you money.
That’s the beauty about it
Nobody feels exploited.
Dirk’s followers howl and cheer.
On the school terrace, Kandi and Kashee continue to serve DrNoHomework clients. When Dirk gets a message that he’s been waiting for, he shouts:
DIRK:
Ladies and gentlemen
I need your attention!
It gives me great pleasure to announce
The arrival of DrNoHomework 4.1
Which makes it easier than ever
To get your homework
Professionally done.
The students on the terrace cheer.
Download the app.
It’s free.
4.1 now supports GBP
Grade-based pricing.
How smart do you want to be?
Platinum, A?
Dirk gets no response.
High-Performance, B?
The students remain silent.
What?
Save-My-Dumb-Ass, C?
Is that what you’re telling me?
Ronny approaches Dirk.
RONNY:
Doctor Doolittle, man
I need your IOU, D plan.
I got no money on a Monday.
I need you to understand.
The students laugh.
DIRK:
Understand what?
That you’ve been frying the shit
Out of mommy’s plastic
All weekend online?
RONNY:
Yeah, so?
The students laugh.
DIRK:
Get your big titty girlfriends
To show you a good time?
RONNY:
Yeah, so?
The students laugh.
DIRK:
Yeah, so!
Yeah, so!
You reap what you sow.
My turn, boys
To play with the toys.
Ladies make some noise.
Who’s your best man?
FEMALE STUDENTS:
Best man!
Best man!
My Monday morning savior
No homework stress man!
A STUDENT:
What’s the daily special?
DIRK:
Trig homework
A dollar a pop.
No gloom an’ doom
No detention room
When you make this pit stop.
Spanish, English, History.
For big marks in any subject
We’re number one in the industry!
The students cheer.
And . . .
As always
For your sundry needs
And miscellaneous school uses:
Late slips
Legal letters
Academic records
Medical documents
Certificates diplomas
And our ever popular
Customized bogus excuses!
The students howl and cheer.
Homework
And much more
We do it right.
Check the daily specials on our website.
We make homework
No sweat.
We outsource offshore
To get you big marks on any budget.
I get people with brains
To shovel your shit.
Homework?
Don’t waste your time on it.
Nobody remembers that shit.
Only losers do it!
The students howl and cheer.
Homework issues can be overcome.
There’s always a way
When you can pay
To get your homework done.
Hurry, hurry, hurry
While the doctor’s in.
Don’t let the system screw you
Over and over again!
When the school bell rings, the students on the terrace leave to enter the school.
6. CAPTAIN KRUNCH
The day of the championship football game has arrived; and with it, Sonny’s deadline for handing in a large number of overdue homework assignments.
Days earlier, he was told by Dr. Murphy, the school principal, that he would not be playing in the championship game unless his late homework is handed in before game time.
When Sonny returns to the school terrace with several of his teammates, Dirk is checking DrNoHomework sales on his cell.
DIRK:
Not bad . . .
Actually.
But nickel and dime
Is not for me.
Sonny approaches Dirk.
SONNY:
Dirk
I gotta talk to you.
I need these.
Sonny gives Dirk a list of the homework assignments he needs to hand in. Dirk examines the list.
DIRK:
A large order.
I’ll take care of it personally.
You’ll have all twelve assignments
The instant you pay me.
With our volume discount
And Monday morning special
That will be
Eighty dollars at time of delivery.
SONNY:
Dirk
Today, we make football hist’ry.
Everybody’s countin’ on me.
When suddenly
I get told by Murphy
I can’t play.
Can’t play!
’Less I get my late homework in.
Some new fuckin’ School Board regulation.
Is that what those cocksuckers do all day?
Make up useless fuckin’ policy?
Somebody needs to tell them
We lose!
If I don’t play!
DIRK:
Sorry, pal.
So, sorry.
But I don’t give a shit
About your sad story.
As usual
You’ve left things too late.
Got a problem with the perk?
Do your own fucking homework.
SONNY:
Homework?
Homework?
You got me hooked.
I wouldn’t know where to begin.
I’m not stayin’ up all night
To solve some fuckin’ equation.
No way!
No way!
Everybody owes me!
DIRK:
Relax your sphincs
Mr. Homework Stinks.
If everybody owes you
How much brains does it take
To know what to do?
It’s as easy as ABC.
SONNY:
ABC?
DIRK:
A: You call them.
B: You get your money.
C: You give it to me.
SONNY:
Call them?
What am I gonna say?
DIRK:
Tell them
It’s their obligation
To defend the school’s honor
By making a donation.
Tell them
If you don’t pay
And I don’t play
And we don’t win
The whole school’s gonna know
It’s your fuckin’ fault this happened.
Five dollars a pop.
Do not accept “no”.
And do not stop
Until you have the money.
Should take you ten minutes, Sonny.
Hustle, hustle, hustle!
Put your boys to work.
Use your muscle!
Go!
Go!
Pumped by Dirk’s plan of action, Sonny and his teammates leave.
7. THE LOCKER NYMPHS
In the men’s locker room, the boys are getting ready for gym class.
Suddenly, Mr. Gilmore the gym teacher, storms into the room aggressively clapping his hands.
MR. GILMORE:
Move it ladies!
Move it!
Twenty push-ups if you don’t make it!
When Mr. Gilmore begins his countdown, the boys grab what they need, and throw the rest into their lockers before racing off to the gym.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight . . .
The school bell rings at the exact moment that Mr. Gilmore ends his countdown. Having cleared the room, he leaves as well.
When Dirk enters the locker room and sees that he is late for gym class, he curses.
Dirk drops his gym bag, and sits down on the locker room bench. He pulls out a pad of counterfeit pink late slips from his bag and begins to fill one out.
DIRK:
Reason for lateness
Helping Dr. Kobanski . . .
In Chemistry.
Time . . .
And, finally
My forged signature
Of our hot secretary
Ms. Meister.
As the lights in the locker room grow dim, a spotlight shines on Dirk. He gets up from the bench.
The homework gig
Is a waste of my time.
“Movin’!
Keep it movin’!”
Said the Joker to the Thief.
“Few are born for luxury.
All are born for grief.”
True, true
True, true
As that may be
It does not apply
To people like me.
You won’t find me slaving
In some stinking
Sweat shop!
You won’t see me standing in line
At some East End
Bus stop!
Reason is
Reason is
I’m a natural-born genius!
An H bomb that’s been dropped.
I’m a force of Nature
That cannot be stopped!
So
Pardon my claws.
It’s for a good cause.
I’m in a hurry to get to the top!
Dirk pauses.
It took a near-death experience
For me to discover
My true vocation.
It happened here
Here
My asthma attack
My epiphany
My eureka moment
That nearly killed me.
Dirk sits down on the locker room bench.
I was sitting here
Just like this . . .
Filling a late slip in.
Fantasizing
As I was forging
Ms. Meister’s name.
When all of a sudden . . .
I stopped breathing.
When Dirk gets up and steps forward, four lockers behind him, begin to glow with light.
My heart was pounding.
My brain was racing.
I was freaking out about my
Existential situation.
When, suddenly
From behind me
I heard locker doors
Creaking.
Creaking.
Four nymphs emerge from their glowing lockers.
On my way down
I turned around
And saw four locker nymphs
Singing
Dancing
Speaking.
Dirk drops to the ground. As the locker nymphs dance around him and snap their towels at him, Dirk slowly gets up.
WATER NYMPH:
Baby
The rain must fall!
NYMPHS:
Fall!
Fall!
FIRE NYMPH:
Baby
Fire must burn!
NYMPHS:
Burn!
Burn!
EARTH NYMPH:
Baby
Cheetah’s got to run.
NYMPHS:
Run!
Run!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Baby
People got to learn.
NYMPHS:
Learn!
Learn!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Big picture
Big picture
It’s all comin’ to Ya.
NYMPHS:
To Ya!
To Ya!To Ya!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Big picture
Big picture
It’s all comin’ through Ya.
When Dirk stands, the nymphs drape their towels around his neck.
NYMPHS:
Through Ya.
Through Ya.
Through Ya.
As the nymphs dance, the scene changes.
FIRE NYMPH:
In the Egyptian sunrise
NYMPHS:
Sunrise!
Sunrise!
FIRE NYMPH:
Hear the Sphinx say
NYMPHS:
Say?
Say?
FIRE NYMPH:
Hot is the desert sun.
NYMPHS:
Hot is the desert sun.
FIRE NYMPH:
Long is the day!
NYMPHS:
Long is the day!
The nymphs dance.
SPIRIT NYMPH:
In the Egyptian sunset
NYMPHS:
Sunset.
Sunset.
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Hear the Sphinx say
NYMPHS:
Say?
Say?
SPIRIT NYMPH:
All hail the wise!
NYMPHS:
All hail the wise!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
On the Sahara Way.
NYMPHS:
On the Sahara Way.
The nymphs retreat to their lockers singing:
Hot is the desert sun.
Long is the day.
All hail the wise
All hail the wise
On the Sahara Way . . .
DIRK:
From that time
It’s been clear to me.
My path to fame and fortune
Molecular biology.
After gym class, we’ll see
If I’ve made medical history.
The lights in the men’s locker room fade out.
In the school auditorium, some students are still looking for a seat. When the student council president arrives, she announces:
PRESIDENT:
Please take your seat.
We need to get started.
When the student council president sees Ali squirting people with his water pistol, she attempts to get his attention.
Ali!
Put your water pistol away.
Ali ignores her.
Ali!
Today is not
Happy Puberty Day!
The audience laughs and Ali sits down.
Welcome to our Fall season
Art for Life Games!
The audience cheers.
The global eco-fundraiser
For students, artists, teachers, schools
And the sponsors who support us.
The audience cheers.
Follow us
And vote at Iwarrior.world.
“Beauty will save the world!”
That’s . . .
AUDIENCE:
Dostoevsky!
PRESIDENT:
Last year
We helped build a school for girls in Africa.
This year we’re joining SOHE
Students for Orangutan Habitat Expansion.
We’ll be using our vast consumer powers
To make land purchases.
There are now more than a billion of us. United Youth Power is changing the world!
The audience cheers.
To meet our commitment
We need four million views.
Connect with your friends.
Spread the news!
The audience cheers.
Keep your eye on the monitor
For your performance cue.
The student council president points to the monitors on each side of the stage. The students cheer.
And, now
To start the show
From our
Mercy Academy of the Performing Arts
Chemistry with Dr. Kaboomski.
Starring . . .
Stuart Pitt!
The audience cheers as the lights go out and the curtains open on a dark chemistry lecture room.
Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the room. The audience cheers when chemistry teacher, Dr. Kaboomski, a weekend glam rocker in costume, emerges out of a cloud of smoke playing his electric guitar.
As part of his non-verbal classroom management system, Dr. Kaboomski has trained his pupils to respond to various hand signals and musical cues that he delivers on his guitar. When he plays the “boom boom” riff, the audience shouts:
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
Dr. Kaboomski accompanies himself on his guitar.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Dr. Kaboomski!
In this incarnation.
My pupils call me . . .
THE AUDIENCE:
Doctor Detonation!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Why do they say that?
I’m a neuro-educator.
I use the lower brain
To get the higher brain
Smokin’ down
The fast learnin’ lane!
Beep beep!
Beep beep!
THE AUDIENCE:
Beep beep!
Beep beep!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Can I do that?
Can I do that?
If your brain is asleep?
THE AUDIENCE:
No way!
No way!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
That is, why
Sometimes I
Need to provide
That extra bit of motivation.
Never doubt what I’m about
I’ll blow your bloody brains out
If you piss away your education!
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Could be!
Coming up soon.
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Right here!
In our chemistry lecture room.
When the school bell rings, Dr. Kaboomski stops playing his guitar. His pupils enter the chemistry lecture room and take their seats.
Good morning, class.
STUDENTS:
Good morning, Dr. Kaboomski.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Are we ready
For another
Bloody good lesson in chemistry?
STUDENTS:
Yes, Dr. Kaboomski!
Dr. Kaboomski continues to accompany himself on his guitar.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
High-octane chemistry!
I get my kicks
Wakin’ up the dead
In room 306!
The students stand.
STUDENTS:
High-octane chemistry!
We get our kicks
Blowin’ up the school
In room 306!
STUDENTS AND AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
The students sit down.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Sleep in my class
It may be your last.
I’ll make you pay
For your transgression
By teaching everyone
Still alive
A bloody good lesson!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
True, true
Professionally
Few people agree
With my shock therapy approach
To pedagogy.
Still
On those dark cold winter days
To beat the gloom and doom
Nothing works like adding . . .
A skylight to the room!
Dr. Kaboomski’s pupils cheer. He plays the boom boom riff.
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Pull down the blinds!
Close the doors!
Nobody’s bloody business
My high student fatality scores!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
Dr. Kaboomski puts down his guitar and puts on his lab coat.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Today, class
I shall ignite your love for chemistry
With a true story
Of exceptional incompetence
That has become legendary.
The students cheer. Dr. Kaboomski points at an Erlenmeyer flask clamped to a stand on the demonstration bench.
Here . . .
A commonly performed experiment
In high school chemistry
That can blow you away
Quite, literally.
If you do it right.
Or, wrong
Depending of course, on
Where you’re coming from
Naturally.
STUDENTS:
Naturally!
Dr. Kaboomski points at the Erlenmeyer flask.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Here . . .
In the Erlenmeyer flask
Zinc metal and hydrochloric acid
React to form
Zinc chloride
A precipitate
That forms here . . .
At the base of the flask
And
Hydrogen gas
Lighter than air
That comes out here . . .
At the tip of the glass spout.
When Dr. Kaboomski uses his flint lighter to send sparks flying near the tip of the spout, a little blue flame issues from it.
This little blue flame
Indicates that hydrogen
One proton
One electron
Is being produced inside the flask.
On the blackboard
The formula for the reaction.
Make sure you know the equation.
It could turn up as a test question.
Dr. Kaboomski blows out the flame.
Elementary
Elementary
This simple experiment
In high school chemistry.
Nothing to it.
Nothing at all
Until the arrival
Of Dr. Miller
The “student killer”.
The students laugh.
The new teacher with the Ph.D.
In African Witchcraft Chemistry.
The students laugh.
He got the job the day he married
The superintendent’s sister, Dolly.
You didn’t hear that from me.
The students laugh.
The new teacher
Sets up the apparatus
Just like this . . .
Dr. Kaboomski points at the apparatus.
He explains the reaction to his class.
And, then . . .
His crowning moment
When he lights the glass spout
And demonstrates
For the first time ever
That he knows what he’s talking about.
The students laugh. Dr. Kaboomski sends sparks flying outside the range for combustion to occur.
The teacher is all smiles
As he sends sparks
Flying
Flying
Flying
But nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Is happening.
No little blue flame
To indicate the presence of hydrogen.
His pupils start to laugh.
The students laugh.
Yes.
And, as always
From the back
The yipping of our pre-pubescent
Hyena pack.
The students laugh. The hyena pack laughs louder. Dr. Kaboomski points at their leader.
Still up to our tricks
Are we, Mr. Hicks?
I see your dad on Sunday.
I’ll ask him if
He he he he he he he!
Runs in the family.
The students laugh.
Everybody knows
The teacher doesn’t have a clue.
The Doctor panics.
What to do?
He removes the stopper
To look inside the flask.
Dr. Kaboomski removes the flask stopper.
Dr. Stupid
With the Ph.D.
Get your broom-riding ass
Off of school property, immediately!
The students laugh.
By removing the stopper
To look inside the flask
You’re letting in the heavier
Atmospheric
Oxygen gas.
It’s pouring in right now
Through the mouth of the flask
To create a mixture
Of hydrogen
And oxygen gas.
Hydrogen burns.
Oxygen accelerates combustion.
Dr. Kaboomski puts the stopper back on the flask. He points at the spout.
If I send sparks here, now
What do you think will happen?
STUDENTS AND AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Pieces of my brain
All over the room!
STUDENTS:
Eww!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Dr. Miller, the student killer
Just made a bomb.
And now
He’s gonna get some innocent child
To blow herself to kingdom come.
Dr. Kaboomski laughs.
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Most definitely!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
It’s time to party!
The audience cheers. On his way to the back of the room, Dr. Kaboomski explains:
When looking
For the right kind of volunteer
I don’t waste my time.
I start by looking
Back here
At the back of the room.
Hiding
Sleeping
Playing
It’s here I usually find them.
Dr. Kaboomski’s hand suddenly shoots up.
Listen.
Listen.
The sound of a student snoring in his class, fully wakens Dr. Kaboomski’s dark side.
I know.
I know.
I risk termination
Incarceration
Hell fire and damnation!
I know all of this
All of this
And still I confess
Face-to-face with the demon
I’m powerless!
Powerless!
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
God bless.
God bless.
We have other ways of raising her
Chemistry awareness.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
Dr. Kaboomski approaches Joanne.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Wake up, Joanne!
Wake up!
Joanne raises her head and removes her earbuds.
JOANNE:
Say, what?
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Have you heard a single word I’ve said?
JOANNE:
No.
And that’s a good thing.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
A good thing?
JOANNE:
It means my new
Noise-cancelling buds
Are really workin’.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
And, why
Is that a good thing?
JOANNE:
Duh?
’Cause I paid a lot money for them.
The students laugh.
Is chemistry over yet?
DR. KABOOMSKI:
No.
But it will be soon
For some of us.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Don’t you realize
Ms. Romanoff
Your snoring in class
Can really piss a teacher off.
The students laugh.
JOANNE:
What’s that got to do with me?
I don’t like chemistry.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
You don’t like chemistry?
Then, why are you here?
JOANNE:
I gotta take a science this year.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
And, when
When do you plan to start
Taking a science this year?
JOANNE:
When?
You mean like . . .
An actual
Hour
Minute
Or, day?
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Day will do!
JOANNE:
Okay.
Okay.
I have the minute.
I have the hour.
I’m still workin’ on the day.
If you don’t mind
I’d just like some time
To think this through carefully.
Tell you what I’ll do
I’ll let you know
Just as soon as I do.
How’s that sound to you?
Joanne smiles. The students laugh and cheer.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Sounds to me
From all you’ve said
It’s time for another episode
Of Waking up the Dead.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
Dr. Kaboomski goes to the demonstration bench and picks up his flint lighter.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Joanne
Would you like to play with this?
Dr. Kaboomski sends sparks flying with the lighter.
Whee.
Whee.
Wheeeee!
JOANNE:
Whatever.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Well, then . . .
Come on down.
Come on down.
When Joanne joins Dr. Kaboomski at the demonstration bench, he hands her the flint lighter and points at the glass spout.
Light the fuse.
I mean spout.
A little blue flame will shoot out.
Would you like to do that?
JOANNE:
Whatever.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Are you sure?
JOANNE:
Whatever.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
When Joanne prepares to send sparks near the spout, the students jump out of their seats.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Not yet, Joanne!
Hold that boom!
We need to give you more . . .
Elbow room.
JOANNE:
Whatever.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
I’ll tell you when.
Dr. Kaboomski and his students scramble to the back of the room for safety. Strangely, Joanne does not appear concerned by any of this.
Now, Joanne!
Light the fuse!
I mean spout.
Spout!
When Joanne sends sparks flying near the glass spout, there is an explosion inside the flask. It blows the stopper and glass tubing straight up into the tiled ceiling where they remain firmly lodged amid earlier failed attempts at adding a skylight to the room.
Despite the explosion, Joanne appears to be in great spirits.
JOANNE:
That was awesome!
Awesome!
Holy Mother of Jesus
I love explosions!
Boom!
Boom!
That was my best one ever!
Why didn’t you tell me?
I love chemistry!
Love chemistry!
Can we do that again?
Can we?
Can we?
The audience laughs and cheers as Dr. Kaboomski and his students crawl out from behind their barricade.
The lights go out.
As the Art for Life Games continue, the student council president returns to the auditorium stage with a note in her hand.
PRESIDENT:
Okay, everybody . . .
I need your attention.
I have an announcement
From Dr. Murphy.
The student council president reads the note in her hand.
“No matter how accurate they may be
Teacher impersonations
Do not refer to teachers at this plant
Nor plants anywhere on the planet.”
The audience laughs. The student council president rereads the note.
“No matter how accurate they may be.”
I don’t get that part.
It must be me.
I don’t have a Ph.D.
The audience laughs.
And, now
Our next, Art for Life Games entry
Accurate teacher impersonations
Not from plants anywhere.
The audience laughs.
Please, welcome . . .
Ms. Tuinpeikos and Mr. Dupuis!
The audience cheers as Mr. Dupuis, a wannabe hippie, and a buxom Ms. Tuinpeikos, played by a female impersonator, enter the spotlight.
Ms. Tuinpeikos is wearing a loosely-buttoned white silk blouse and a short black skirt. Mr. Dupuis salutes the audience.
MR. DUPUIS:
Yo, boobs!
I mean dudes!
Dudes!
Freudian slip.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Boobs.
That’s all you think about.
The audience laughs.
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah.
I get that from my mommy.
Best thing she ever taught me.
Thanks, mom!
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Seriously
It’s all you think about.
MR. DUPUIS:
That’s not true.
It’s much more than that.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
More like what?
MR. DUPUIS:
More like
Everything I live for
Die for
Cheat steal pillage plunder an’ lie for.
Okay?
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Up here, Laurent.
MR. DUPUIS:
I saw it on FOXY TV.
Scientists have proven conclusively
Female breasts are eye magnets for men.
You can’t blame me
For doin’ what comes naturally.
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You can’t blame me
For doin’ what comes legally.
The audience laughs and cheers.
MR. DUPUIS:
You know, Niki
I find it interesting
How the students
Like to give our names
Those wacky tweaks.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Wacky tweaks?
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah, like
How, Mr. Knox became, “Cyclops”
Because he had a glass eye.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
A glass eye he took out in class
To watch the girls freak
Until one passed out
Smacked her head on her seat.
Twenty stitches later
A massive lawsuit the Board could not beat.
The audience laughs.
What happened to him?
MR. DUPUIS:
They could not fire him.
Still
It was something
They could not pardon.
They sent Mr. Knox
To teach kindergarten.
He disappeared one day
During his morning class in
Early Sandbox Play.
The audience laughs.
Speaking of names
Is it true what they say about yours?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
What, Tuinpeikos?
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah, Tuin peikos.
Is that greek
For, twin peak?
Just askin’.
Just askin’.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
No!
MR. DUPUIS:
And what about . . .
Miss Zoom Zoom?
The boys in the audience cheer.
I hear that all the time.
What’s that supposed to mean?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
As you are demonstrating
Presently
My zoom zoom
Has a killer effect on the MCC.
MR. DUPUIS:
MCC?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Male capacity for concentration.
The audience laughs. Mr. Dupuis raises his hands and stares at Ms. Tuinpeikos’ breasts.
MR. DUPUIS:
No way.
No way.
Look at me!
I’m concentrating intensely!
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You’re crossing the line, buddy.
MR. DUPUIS:
Do you know
What people are saying about you?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Don’t start!
Don’t start.
I know what you’re going to say.
It’s in the Teacher Handbook.
It’s School Board policy.
“Every teacher shall model
High standards of health
Both mentally and physically.”
It’s true.
It’s true.
Physical is my specialty.
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest. The audience laughs.
I try to be professional
All style and elegance.
I want to inspire.
Light a little fire.
Raise more than schoolboy intelligence.
The audience laughs and cheers.
Despite my best efforts
I’m not getting through.
Male student marks keep falling
No matter what I do.
Maybe it’s the way I dress.
The way I walk.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Maybe it’s the way I smile
When I talk.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
That’s all the time it takes
For the MCC
To drop down to nothing
Nothing but me.
The audience laughs.
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo.
What can I do?
I want to be a teacher
But my career is doomed.
All the boys turn stupid
When I walk into the room.
Maybe it’s the way I like to
I wet my ruby lips.
Ms. Tuinpeikos wets her ruby lips.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
The way I like to stretch
To show off my nips.
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest. The audience laughs and cheers. Ms. Tuinpeikos turns to Mr. Dupuis.
And you, Laurent
You.
What they say about you
Is it true?
MR. DUPUIS:
None of it!
It’s all bullshit!
The audience laughs.
What?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Doopy da Doop
Mr. “Sleepy Ass”
Falls asleep at the blackboard
While teaching his class.
The audience laughs.
MR. DUPUIS:
I can’t help it.
I fall asleep when I get bored.
Ms. Tuinpeikos laughs with the audience.
Don’t laugh!
Don’t laugh!
It’s not funny!
I get bored
Very easily.
The audience laughs.
TCS
Tedium collapse syndrome
Runs in my family.
It’s a medical condition.
They can’t fire me!
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
And your pupils?
MR. DUPUIS:
What about them?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
TCS.
MR. DUPUIS:
TCS?
I beat them to it
I guess.
You can’t blame me for bein’ lucky.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
How do you avoid litigation?
MR. DUPUIS:
I take my medication.
The audience laughs.
And, when I have a really bad day
Okay?
And fall asleep repeatedly
My pupils know what to do.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
What?
Tuck you in.
Turn off the lights?
MR. DUPUIS:
To show some respect
That would be nice!
The audience laughs.
All I’m asking
All I’m asking
The Board of Education
Get the little bastards
The medical training
So they’re not a health risk
To my person.
Ms. Tuinpeikos laughs with the audience.
It’s not funny!
Just the other day
During drug administration
They nearly killed me.
I needed artificial resuscitation.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You’re joking.
MR. DUPUIS:
No!
I’m not joking!
The little bastards
Tried to ram the pillbox down my throat.
I nearly died choking!
The audience laughs and cheers. Mr. Dupuis shouts at them.
Shut up!
Get the training
Or my union will sue!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Sue, who?
MR. DUPUIS:
The School Board
For being criminally negligent
In providing me with a safe
Working environment.
The audience laughs and boos. Ms. Tuinpeikos shakes her head.
Okay.
Okay.
Can we get back on topic, Nicki.
Look
I’m not trying to be fresh or anything.
I just want to say
You have beautiful skin.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Thank-you.
MR. DUPUIS:
And for, hands-on
Loving approval
Gimme a sign.
Anything at all will do.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Don’t torture your eyeballs, Laurent.
It’s pointless fatigue.
These puppies don’t play in your
Minor League.
You hear what I’m saying, Laurent?
We’re talkin’ five-star
Five-star!
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest.
Breast au rant.
The audience laughs and cheers as Ms. Tuinpeikos struts off the stage. Mr. Dupuis follows closely behind mumbling incoherently.
7. THE LOCKER NYMPHS
In the men’s locker room, the boys are getting ready for gym class.
Suddenly, Mr. Gilmore the gym teacher, storms into the room aggressively clapping his hands.
MR. GILMORE:
Move it ladies!
Move it!
Twenty push-ups if you don’t make it!
When Mr. Gilmore begins his countdown, the boys grab what they need, and throw the rest into their lockers before racing off to the gym.
Ten!
Nine!
Eight . . .
The school bell rings at the exact moment that Mr. Gilmore ends his countdown. Having cleared the room, he leaves as well.
When Dirk enters the locker room and sees that he is late for gym class, he curses.
Dirk drops his gym bag, and sits down on the locker room bench. He pulls out a pad of counterfeit pink late slips from his bag and begins to fill one out.
DIRK:
Reason for lateness
Helping Dr. Kobanski . . .
In Chemistry.
Time . . .
And, finally
My forged signature
Of our hot secretary
Ms. Meister.
As the lights in the locker room grow dim, a spotlight shines on Dirk. He gets up from the bench.
The homework gig
Is a waste of my time.
“Movin’!
Keep it movin’!”
Said the Joker to the Thief.
“Few are born for luxury.
All are born for grief.”
True, true
True, true
As that may be
It does not apply
To people like me.
You won’t find me slaving
In some stinking
Sweat shop!
You won’t see me standing in line
At some East End
Bus stop!
Reason is
Reason is
I’m a natural-born genius!
An H bomb that’s been dropped.
I’m a force of Nature
That cannot be stopped!
So
Pardon my claws.
It’s for a good cause.
I’m in a hurry to get to the top!
Dirk pauses.
It took a near-death experience
For me to discover
My true vocation.
It happened here
Here
My asthma attack
My epiphany
My eureka moment
That nearly killed me.
Dirk sits down on the locker room bench.
I was sitting here
Just like this . . .
Filling a late slip in.
Fantasizing
As I was forging
Ms. Meister’s name.
When all of a sudden . . .
I stopped breathing.
When Dirk gets up and steps forward, four lockers behind him, begin to glow with light.
My heart was pounding.
My brain was racing.
I was freaking out about my
Existential situation.
When, suddenly
From behind me
I heard locker doors
Creaking.
Creaking.
Four nymphs emerge from their glowing lockers.
On my way down
I turned around
And saw four locker nymphs
Singing
Dancing
Speaking.
Dirk drops to the ground. As the locker nymphs dance around him and snap their towels at him, Dirk slowly gets up.
WATER NYMPH:
Baby
The rain must fall!
NYMPHS:
Fall!
Fall!
FIRE NYMPH:
Baby
Fire must burn!
NYMPHS:
Burn!
Burn!
EARTH NYMPH:
Baby
Cheetah’s got to run.
NYMPHS:
Run!
Run!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Baby
People got to learn.
NYMPHS:
Learn!
Learn!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Big picture
Big picture
It’s all comin’ to Ya.
NYMPHS:
To Ya!
To Ya!To Ya!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Big picture
Big picture
It’s all comin’ through Ya.
When Dirk stands, the nymphs drape their towels around his neck.
NYMPHS:
Through Ya.
Through Ya.
Through Ya.
As the nymphs dance, the scene changes.
FIRE NYMPH:
In the Egyptian sunrise
NYMPHS:
Sunrise!
Sunrise!
FIRE NYMPH:
Hear the Sphinx say
NYMPHS:
Say?
Say?
FIRE NYMPH:
Hot is the desert sun.
NYMPHS:
Hot is the desert sun.
FIRE NYMPH:
Long is the day!
NYMPHS:
Long is the day!
The nymphs dance.
SPIRIT NYMPH:
In the Egyptian sunset
NYMPHS:
Sunset.
Sunset.
SPIRIT NYMPH:
Hear the Sphinx say
NYMPHS:
Say?
Say?
SPIRIT NYMPH:
All hail the wise!
NYMPHS:
All hail the wise!
SPIRIT NYMPH:
On the Sahara Way.
NYMPHS:
On the Sahara Way.
The nymphs retreat to their lockers singing:
Hot is the desert sun.
Long is the day.
All hail the wise
All hail the wise
On the Sahara Way . . .
DIRK:
From that time
It’s been clear to me.
My path to fame and fortune
Molecular biology.
After gym class, we’ll see
If I’ve made medical history.
The lights in the men’s locker room fade out.
In the school auditorium, some students are still looking for a seat. When the student council president arrives, she announces:
PRESIDENT:
Please take your seat.
We need to get started.
When the student council president sees Ali squirting people with his water pistol, she attempts to get his attention.
Ali!
Put your water pistol away.
Ali ignores her.
Ali!
Today is not
Happy Puberty Day!
The audience laughs and Ali sits down.
Welcome to our Fall season
Art for Life Games!
The audience cheers.
The global eco-fundraiser
For students, artists, teachers, schools
And the sponsors who support us.
The audience cheers.
Follow us
And vote at Iwarrior.world.
“Beauty will save the world!”
That’s . . .
AUDIENCE:
Dostoevsky!
PRESIDENT:
Last year
We helped build a school for girls in Africa.
This year we’re joining SOHE
Students for Orangutan Habitat Expansion.
We’ll be using our vast consumer powers
To make land purchases.
There are now more than a billion of us. United Youth Power is changing the world!
The audience cheers.
To meet our commitment
We need four million views.
Connect with your friends.
Spread the news!
The audience cheers.
Keep your eye on the monitor
For your performance cue.
The student council president points to the monitors on each side of the stage. The students cheer.
And, now
To start the show
From our
Mercy Academy of the Performing Arts
Chemistry with Dr. Kaboomski.
Starring . . .
Stuart Pitt!
The audience cheers as the lights go out and the curtains open on a dark chemistry lecture room.
Suddenly, there’s an explosion in the room. The audience cheers when chemistry teacher, Dr. Kaboomski, a weekend glam rocker in costume, emerges out of a cloud of smoke playing his electric guitar.
As part of his non-verbal classroom management system, Dr. Kaboomski has trained his pupils to respond to various hand signals and musical cues that he delivers on his guitar. When he plays the “boom boom” riff, the audience shouts:
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
Dr. Kaboomski accompanies himself on his guitar.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Dr. Kaboomski!
In this incarnation.
My pupils call me . . .
THE AUDIENCE:
Doctor Detonation!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Why do they say that?
I’m a neuro-educator.
I use the lower brain
To get the higher brain
Smokin’ down
The fast learnin’ lane!
Beep beep!
Beep beep!
THE AUDIENCE:
Beep beep!
Beep beep!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Can I do that?
Can I do that?
If your brain is asleep?
THE AUDIENCE:
No way!
No way!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
That is, why
Sometimes I
Need to provide
That extra bit of motivation.
Never doubt what I’m about
I’ll blow your bloody brains out
If you piss away your education!
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Could be!
Coming up soon.
THE AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Right here!
In our chemistry lecture room.
When the school bell rings, Dr. Kaboomski stops playing his guitar. His pupils enter the chemistry lecture room and take their seats.
Good morning, class.
STUDENTS:
Good morning, Dr. Kaboomski.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Are we ready
For another
Bloody good lesson in chemistry?
STUDENTS:
Yes, Dr. Kaboomski!
Dr. Kaboomski continues to accompany himself on his guitar.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
High-octane chemistry!
I get my kicks
Wakin’ up the dead
In room 306!
The students stand.
STUDENTS:
High-octane chemistry!
We get our kicks
Blowin’ up the school
In room 306!
STUDENTS AND AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
The students sit down.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Sleep in my class
It may be your last.
I’ll make you pay
For your transgression
By teaching everyone
Still alive
A bloody good lesson!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
True, true
Professionally
Few people agree
With my shock therapy approach
To pedagogy.
Still
On those dark cold winter days
To beat the gloom and doom
Nothing works like adding . . .
A skylight to the room!
Dr. Kaboomski’s pupils cheer. He plays the boom boom riff.
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Pull down the blinds!
Close the doors!
Nobody’s bloody business
My high student fatality scores!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
Dr. Kaboomski puts down his guitar and puts on his lab coat.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Today, class
I shall ignite your love for chemistry
With a true story
Of exceptional incompetence
That has become legendary.
The students cheer. Dr. Kaboomski points at an Erlenmeyer flask clamped to a stand on the demonstration bench.
Here . . .
A commonly performed experiment
In high school chemistry
That can blow you away
Quite, literally.
If you do it right.
Or, wrong
Depending of course, on
Where you’re coming from
Naturally.
STUDENTS:
Naturally!
Dr. Kaboomski points at the Erlenmeyer flask.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Here . . .
In the Erlenmeyer flask
Zinc metal and hydrochloric acid
React to form
Zinc chloride
A precipitate
That forms here . . .
At the base of the flask
And
Hydrogen gas
Lighter than air
That comes out here . . .
At the tip of the glass spout.
When Dr. Kaboomski uses his flint lighter to send sparks flying near the tip of the spout, a little blue flame issues from it.
This little blue flame
Indicates that hydrogen
One proton
One electron
Is being produced inside the flask.
On the blackboard
The formula for the reaction.
Make sure you know the equation.
It could turn up as a test question.
Dr. Kaboomski blows out the flame.
Elementary
Elementary
This simple experiment
In high school chemistry.
Nothing to it.
Nothing at all
Until the arrival
Of Dr. Miller
The “student killer”.
The students laugh.
The new teacher with the Ph.D.
In African Witchcraft Chemistry.
The students laugh.
He got the job the day he married
The superintendent’s sister, Dolly.
You didn’t hear that from me.
The students laugh.
The new teacher
Sets up the apparatus
Just like this . . .
Dr. Kaboomski points at the apparatus.
He explains the reaction to his class.
And, then . . .
His crowning moment
When he lights the glass spout
And demonstrates
For the first time ever
That he knows what he’s talking about.
The students laugh. Dr. Kaboomski sends sparks flying outside the range for combustion to occur.
The teacher is all smiles
As he sends sparks
Flying
Flying
Flying
But nothing
Nothing
Nothing
Is happening.
No little blue flame
To indicate the presence of hydrogen.
His pupils start to laugh.
The students laugh.
Yes.
And, as always
From the back
The yipping of our pre-pubescent
Hyena pack.
The students laugh. The hyena pack laughs louder. Dr. Kaboomski points at their leader.
Still up to our tricks
Are we, Mr. Hicks?
I see your dad on Sunday.
I’ll ask him if
He he he he he he he!
Runs in the family.
The students laugh.
Everybody knows
The teacher doesn’t have a clue.
The Doctor panics.
What to do?
He removes the stopper
To look inside the flask.
Dr. Kaboomski removes the flask stopper.
Dr. Stupid
With the Ph.D.
Get your broom-riding ass
Off of school property, immediately!
The students laugh.
By removing the stopper
To look inside the flask
You’re letting in the heavier
Atmospheric
Oxygen gas.
It’s pouring in right now
Through the mouth of the flask
To create a mixture
Of hydrogen
And oxygen gas.
Hydrogen burns.
Oxygen accelerates combustion.
Dr. Kaboomski puts the stopper back on the flask. He points at the spout.
If I send sparks here, now
What do you think will happen?
STUDENTS AND AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Pieces of my brain
All over the room!
STUDENTS:
Eww!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Dr. Miller, the student killer
Just made a bomb.
And now
He’s gonna get some innocent child
To blow herself to kingdom come.
Dr. Kaboomski laughs.
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Most definitely!
AUDIENCE:
Boom boom!
Boom boom!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
It’s time to party!
The audience cheers. On his way to the back of the room, Dr. Kaboomski explains:
When looking
For the right kind of volunteer
I don’t waste my time.
I start by looking
Back here
At the back of the room.
Hiding
Sleeping
Playing
It’s here I usually find them.
Dr. Kaboomski’s hand suddenly shoots up.
Listen.
Listen.
The sound of a student snoring in his class, fully wakens Dr. Kaboomski’s dark side.
I know.
I know.
I risk termination
Incarceration
Hell fire and damnation!
I know all of this
All of this
And still I confess
Face-to-face with the demon
I’m powerless!
Powerless!
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
God bless.
God bless.
We have other ways of raising her
Chemistry awareness.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
Dr. Kaboomski approaches Joanne.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Wake up, Joanne!
Wake up!
Joanne raises her head and removes her earbuds.
JOANNE:
Say, what?
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Have you heard a single word I’ve said?
JOANNE:
No.
And that’s a good thing.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
A good thing?
JOANNE:
It means my new
Noise-cancelling buds
Are really workin’.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
And, why
Is that a good thing?
JOANNE:
Duh?
’Cause I paid a lot money for them.
The students laugh.
Is chemistry over yet?
DR. KABOOMSKI:
No.
But it will be soon
For some of us.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Don’t you realize
Ms. Romanoff
Your snoring in class
Can really piss a teacher off.
The students laugh.
JOANNE:
What’s that got to do with me?
I don’t like chemistry.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
You don’t like chemistry?
Then, why are you here?
JOANNE:
I gotta take a science this year.
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
And, when
When do you plan to start
Taking a science this year?
JOANNE:
When?
You mean like . . .
An actual
Hour
Minute
Or, day?
The students laugh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Day will do!
JOANNE:
Okay.
Okay.
I have the minute.
I have the hour.
I’m still workin’ on the day.
If you don’t mind
I’d just like some time
To think this through carefully.
Tell you what I’ll do
I’ll let you know
Just as soon as I do.
How’s that sound to you?
Joanne smiles. The students laugh and cheer.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Sounds to me
From all you’ve said
It’s time for another episode
Of Waking up the Dead.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
Dr. Kaboomski goes to the demonstration bench and picks up his flint lighter.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Joanne
Would you like to play with this?
Dr. Kaboomski sends sparks flying with the lighter.
Whee.
Whee.
Wheeeee!
JOANNE:
Whatever.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Well, then . . .
Come on down.
Come on down.
When Joanne joins Dr. Kaboomski at the demonstration bench, he hands her the flint lighter and points at the glass spout.
Light the fuse.
I mean spout.
A little blue flame will shoot out.
Would you like to do that?
JOANNE:
Whatever.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Are you sure?
JOANNE:
Whatever.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
When Joanne prepares to send sparks near the spout, the students jump out of their seats.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
Not yet, Joanne!
Hold that boom!
We need to give you more . . .
Elbow room.
JOANNE:
Whatever.
DR. KABOOMSKI:
I’ll tell you when.
Dr. Kaboomski and his students scramble to the back of the room for safety. Strangely, Joanne does not appear concerned by any of this.
Now, Joanne!
Light the fuse!
I mean spout.
Spout!
When Joanne sends sparks flying near the glass spout, there is an explosion inside the flask. It blows the stopper and glass tubing straight up into the tiled ceiling where they remain firmly lodged amid earlier failed attempts at adding a skylight to the room.
Despite the explosion, Joanne appears to be in great spirits.
JOANNE:
That was awesome!
Awesome!
Holy Mother of Jesus
I love explosions!
Boom!
Boom!
That was my best one ever!
Why didn’t you tell me?
I love chemistry!
Love chemistry!
Can we do that again?
Can we?
Can we?
The audience laughs and cheers as Dr. Kaboomski and his students crawl out from behind their barricade.
The lights go out.
As the Art for Life Games continue, the student council president returns to the auditorium stage with a note in her hand.
PRESIDENT:
Okay, everybody . . .
I need your attention.
I have an announcement
From Dr. Murphy.
The student council president reads the note in her hand.
“No matter how accurate they may be
Teacher impersonations
Do not refer to teachers at this plant
Nor plants anywhere on the planet.”
The audience laughs. The student council president rereads the note.
“No matter how accurate they may be.”
I don’t get that part.
It must be me.
I don’t have a Ph.D.
The audience laughs.
And, now
Our next, Art for Life Games entry
Accurate teacher impersonations
Not from plants anywhere.
The audience laughs.
Please, welcome . . .
Ms. Tuinpeikos and Mr. Dupuis!
The audience cheers as Mr. Dupuis, a wannabe hippie, and a buxom Ms. Tuinpeikos, played by a female impersonator, enter the spotlight.
Ms. Tuinpeikos is wearing a loosely-buttoned white silk blouse and a short black skirt. Mr. Dupuis salutes the audience.
MR. DUPUIS:
Yo, boobs!
I mean dudes!
Dudes!
Freudian slip.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Boobs.
That’s all you think about.
The audience laughs.
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah.
I get that from my mommy.
Best thing she ever taught me.
Thanks, mom!
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Seriously
It’s all you think about.
MR. DUPUIS:
That’s not true.
It’s much more than that.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
More like what?
MR. DUPUIS:
More like
Everything I live for
Die for
Cheat steal pillage plunder an’ lie for.
Okay?
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Up here, Laurent.
MR. DUPUIS:
I saw it on FOXY TV.
Scientists have proven conclusively
Female breasts are eye magnets for men.
You can’t blame me
For doin’ what comes naturally.
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You can’t blame me
For doin’ what comes legally.
The audience laughs and cheers.
MR. DUPUIS:
You know, Niki
I find it interesting
How the students
Like to give our names
Those wacky tweaks.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Wacky tweaks?
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah, like
How, Mr. Knox became, “Cyclops”
Because he had a glass eye.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
A glass eye he took out in class
To watch the girls freak
Until one passed out
Smacked her head on her seat.
Twenty stitches later
A massive lawsuit the Board could not beat.
The audience laughs.
What happened to him?
MR. DUPUIS:
They could not fire him.
Still
It was something
They could not pardon.
They sent Mr. Knox
To teach kindergarten.
He disappeared one day
During his morning class in
Early Sandbox Play.
The audience laughs.
Speaking of names
Is it true what they say about yours?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
What, Tuinpeikos?
MR. DUPUIS:
Yeah, Tuin peikos.
Is that greek
For, twin peak?
Just askin’.
Just askin’.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
No!
MR. DUPUIS:
And what about . . .
Miss Zoom Zoom?
The boys in the audience cheer.
I hear that all the time.
What’s that supposed to mean?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
As you are demonstrating
Presently
My zoom zoom
Has a killer effect on the MCC.
MR. DUPUIS:
MCC?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Male capacity for concentration.
The audience laughs. Mr. Dupuis raises his hands and stares at Ms. Tuinpeikos’ breasts.
MR. DUPUIS:
No way.
No way.
Look at me!
I’m concentrating intensely!
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You’re crossing the line, buddy.
MR. DUPUIS:
Do you know
What people are saying about you?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Don’t start!
Don’t start.
I know what you’re going to say.
It’s in the Teacher Handbook.
It’s School Board policy.
“Every teacher shall model
High standards of health
Both mentally and physically.”
It’s true.
It’s true.
Physical is my specialty.
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest. The audience laughs.
I try to be professional
All style and elegance.
I want to inspire.
Light a little fire.
Raise more than schoolboy intelligence.
The audience laughs and cheers.
Despite my best efforts
I’m not getting through.
Male student marks keep falling
No matter what I do.
Maybe it’s the way I dress.
The way I walk.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Maybe it’s the way I smile
When I talk.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
That’s all the time it takes
For the MCC
To drop down to nothing
Nothing but me.
The audience laughs.
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo.
What can I do?
I want to be a teacher
But my career is doomed.
All the boys turn stupid
When I walk into the room.
Maybe it’s the way I like to
I wet my ruby lips.
Ms. Tuinpeikos wets her ruby lips.
AUDIENCE:
Zoom zoom!
Zoom zoom!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
The way I like to stretch
To show off my nips.
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest. The audience laughs and cheers. Ms. Tuinpeikos turns to Mr. Dupuis.
And you, Laurent
You.
What they say about you
Is it true?
MR. DUPUIS:
None of it!
It’s all bullshit!
The audience laughs.
What?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Doopy da Doop
Mr. “Sleepy Ass”
Falls asleep at the blackboard
While teaching his class.
The audience laughs.
MR. DUPUIS:
I can’t help it.
I fall asleep when I get bored.
Ms. Tuinpeikos laughs with the audience.
Don’t laugh!
Don’t laugh!
It’s not funny!
I get bored
Very easily.
The audience laughs.
TCS
Tedium collapse syndrome
Runs in my family.
It’s a medical condition.
They can’t fire me!
The audience laughs and boos.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
And your pupils?
MR. DUPUIS:
What about them?
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
TCS.
MR. DUPUIS:
TCS?
I beat them to it
I guess.
You can’t blame me for bein’ lucky.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
How do you avoid litigation?
MR. DUPUIS:
I take my medication.
The audience laughs.
And, when I have a really bad day
Okay?
And fall asleep repeatedly
My pupils know what to do.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
What?
Tuck you in.
Turn off the lights?
MR. DUPUIS:
To show some respect
That would be nice!
The audience laughs.
All I’m asking
All I’m asking
The Board of Education
Get the little bastards
The medical training
So they’re not a health risk
To my person.
Ms. Tuinpeikos laughs with the audience.
It’s not funny!
Just the other day
During drug administration
They nearly killed me.
I needed artificial resuscitation.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
You’re joking.
MR. DUPUIS:
No!
I’m not joking!
The little bastards
Tried to ram the pillbox down my throat.
I nearly died choking!
The audience laughs and cheers. Mr. Dupuis shouts at them.
Shut up!
Get the training
Or my union will sue!
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Sue, who?
MR. DUPUIS:
The School Board
For being criminally negligent
In providing me with a safe
Working environment.
The audience laughs and boos. Ms. Tuinpeikos shakes her head.
Okay.
Okay.
Can we get back on topic, Nicki.
Look
I’m not trying to be fresh or anything.
I just want to say
You have beautiful skin.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Thank-you.
MR. DUPUIS:
And for, hands-on
Loving approval
Gimme a sign.
Anything at all will do.
The audience laughs.
MS. TUINPEIKOS:
Don’t torture your eyeballs, Laurent.
It’s pointless fatigue.
These puppies don’t play in your
Minor League.
You hear what I’m saying, Laurent?
We’re talkin’ five-star
Five-star!
Ms. Tuinpeikos arches her chest.
Breast au rant.
The audience laughs and cheers as Ms. Tuinpeikos struts off the stage. Mr. Dupuis follows closely behind mumbling incoherently.
By some special arrangement with the head of plant maintenance, Dirk da Villa has permission to work in the abandoned chemistry lab in the basement of the old high school.
He enters the lab with Kandi and Kashee to check the results of his latest effort to create a personality-enhancing elixir.
Dirk removes a test tube containing a clear liquid from the production apparatus assembled on the lab bench. He holds it up to examine it, and then picks up an eyedropper containing a clear indicator solution.
DIRK:
And, now
Now
A moment of truth
An MOT
Destined to make medical history.
KANDI:
At MOT
I lost count, how many
You don’t make, hist’ry.
You are, hist’ry.
The kind nobody ever heard about
’Cause it never happened actually.
Kandi and Kashee laugh. Dirk prepares to add several drops of indicator solution to the test tube containing his elixir.
DIRK:
Emerald green
Emerald green
You are my destiny.
You are my queen.
Emerald green
Emerald green
Come to me
Come to me
My lovely queen.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We’ve seen red
We’ve seen blue
Every color in-between.
We’ve seen them all
But emerald green.
Purple to vermillion
Every color but one
Emerald green
Emerald green
We’ve never seen.
Emerald green
Emerald green
We’ve never seen . . .
When the elixir in the test tube begins to turn emerald green, Dirk dances for joy.
DIRK:
Ka-ching!
Ka-ching!
Ka-ching!
I hear golden bells
Ringing!
Ringing!
Ringing!
Ding dong!
Ding dong!
Ding dong!
Everybody now wants to sing my song!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
You can’t dance!
You can’t sing!
DIRK:
Unlike, you
And, you
I don’t need to.
Don’t need to!
When I get the money
I can sing like a chipmunk.
Dance like a toy bunny.
Nobody’s gonna say
I sing or dance funny.
KASHEE:
What money?
DIRK:
Can I trust you
My little
Leaning towers of virtue?
No.
No.
I don’t think so!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
No lust
No drive.
No desire
No ambition.
We feed the beast in you.
We drive your mission.
No lust
No drive.
No desire
No ambition.
To bang bang the big gong
You need our permission.
Dirk holds up the elixir to an imaginary audience.
DIRK:
The world’s first GMP
For a genetically modified personality.
Now you get to choose
Who you want to be.
It’s the beginning
Of a new stage in human evolution
An Age of Supermen and Superwomen!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
This . . .
Personality booster
Will put the cock-a-doodle-doo
Into any sorry hen or rooster.
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
KASHEE:
A stiff drink from a bottle of Dr. Wood
Or something like that?
KANDI:
Pfizer bagged that cat.
DIRK:
Not sexual dysfunction.
Personality dysfunction!
Dirk turns to his imaginary audience.
Don’t let some asshole
Kick sand in your face.
Don’t let some little shit
Beat you in the human race.
Losers, flunkies
Drips and flops
It’s time to pull
All your organ stops!
This dog food’s for you.
You’re gonna love these pork chops!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers. Dirk places the test tube in a rack on the lab bench and then turns to his imaginary audience.
Eliminate your past!
Upgrade your DNA.
Step out!
Step out!
From under your cloud
Into a beautiful day.
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
Feel the sunshine
Smell the roses
On the Da Villa Way.
Born again!
Be born again!
Give yourself a rebirthday!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Rebirthday!
Rebirthday!
DIRK:
Smell the fresh mown hay!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Alfalfa?
Timothy?
DIRK:
No way!
No way!
More like rover in the clover
Every sweet living day!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We will dance!
DIRK:
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
The Monster Mash.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
The Monster Mash!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We’ll have cash?
DIRK:
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Monster cash.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Monster cash!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We’ll be a smash?
DIRK:
Oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
A monster smash!
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
A monster smash!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
I wanna lie by the yacht pool
Sunny my tummy.
DIRK:
I want a double-D girl
Or two or more
Think my jokes are funny.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
When you get the money
You’ll be so funny.
Kandi and Kashee laugh.
DIRK:
Roche, Novartis
GlaxoSmithKline
Pfizer, Bayer, Lilly
Soon all be cryin’
For a piece of the action.
I don’t mind.
Miss Emerald Green
I own that sunshine.
She’s my baby!
Mine all mine!
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Mine all mine!
DIRK:
In the school caf
Do you sit all alone?
KASHEE:
I do.
I do.
I’m all alone.
I sit by myself.
I eat on my own.
Dirk’s imaginary audience boos. Dirk turns to Kandi.
DIRK:
How long since your last message
On your cellphone?
KANDI:
Boo hoo.
Boo hoo.
I’m all alone.
No message all hour
On my cellphone.
Dirk’s imaginary audience boos.
DIRK:
Get more bang
For your existential buck
When you drink
From my rebirth cup!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
When you get the money
What will you do?
DIRK:
Anything.
Anyone.
Anytime I want to.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Like?
DIRK:
Chocolate and Vanilla
In reptile skin bikini
On my super megayacht
Miss Emerald Titti.
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers. He sends a message.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Anguilla, Ibiza
Rio, Sao Paulo.
Hvar, St. Barts
Cannes, Monaco.
DIRK:
Loser to sex-magnet.
Stray to top cat!
Is there anyone alive
Could say “no” to that?
KANDI AND KASHEE:
No way!
No way!
DIRK:
Why would they?
Would they?
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers. Kandi and Kashee put their arms around Dirk.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We’ll soon have cash!
DIRK:
Not we.
Me!
Me!
Monster cash!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
We’ll be a smash!
DIRK:
Not we.
Me!
Me!
A monster smash!
Dirk breaks away from Kandi and Kashee.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
When we get the money . . .
DIRK:
When I get the money!
KANDI AND KASHEE:
Your jokes will be so funny.
Kandi and Kashee laugh.
DIRK:
No more Jack Sprat
Could eat no fat.
I’m a natural-born
Aristocrat.
Born for the glitter
I live by the letter
More is good.
More is good.
Much more is better!
Dirk’s imaginary audience cheers.
DIRK, KANDI AND KASHEE:
Born for the glitter
I live by the letter
More is good.
More is good.
Much more is better!
Dirk makes a call on his cell.
KANDI AND KASHEE:
No more Jackie Sprat
Could eat no fat.
I’m a natural-born
Aristocat.
Born for the glitter
I live by the letter
More is good.
More is good.
Much more is better!
When the school bell rings, Kandi and Kashee race away. Dirk picks up the test tube containing his personality-transforming elixir.
DIRK:
Goodbye to the old.
Hello to the new.
It’s time for a test run . . .
On
You know who.
Dirk shoots down the elixir and then leaves for his English class.
In the quiet of a school stairwell, Sonny is composing a message on his cell.
When Mohammed enters and sees Sonny, he shouts:
MOHAMMED:
Yo, Sonny!
Vat’s up?
Sonny looks up.
SONNY:
Who are you?
MOHAMMED:
Mohammed.English vit Miss Crone.
Vat’s going down, man?
SONNY:
Wassdown is down.
Wassup is up.
Ain’t nothin’ new
In this tea cup.
MOHAMMED:
Sonny
I hear about dat homevork ting.
Gif me a ring
If I can do anyting.
SONNY:
Ding-a-ling.
Ding-a-ling.
I’m givin’ you a ring.
MOHAMMED:
Vat for?
SONNY:
That homework thing.
I need five dollars.
MOHAMMED:
Five dollars?
I don haf . . .
SONNY:
How much have you got?
MOHAMMED:
Tventy-tree.
SONNY:
Twenty-three, what?
MOHAMMED:
Two ten cent an’ tree pennies.
An’ dis . . .
Mohammed pulls a cookie out of his pocket.
Very nice cookie.
My mom make for me.
I know it looks like it
But I svear Sonny
I vos not licking it.
Sonny grabs Mohammed by the collar.
Maybe just a little bit.
SONNY:
Fuck the cookie!
An’ don’t bullshit me.
Nobody has twenty-three . . .
MOHAMMED:
Okay, Sonny.
It could be tventy-four.
Maybe even more.
It’s all I haf
An’ dis . . .
Mohammed pulls a notebook from his back pocket and holds it up to Sonny.
My English homevork notebook.
SONNY:
English homework notebook?
Why do I want that?
MOHAMMED:
Da big assignment due today.
SONNY:
Today?
MOHAMMED:
It’s all here, Sonny.
Sonny grabs Mohammed’s notebook and looks inside.
SONNY:
What is this?
How can this crap be right?
I can’t fuckin’ read it.
And not only that
It smells like . . . shit!
Sonny tosses Mohammed’s notebook at him and wipes his hands on his pants.
What the fuck is that?
MOHAMMED:
English teacher nightmare.
Da notebook from Hell.
Impossible to read
Vit stinking shit smell.
Teacher opens vonce
An’ das it.
Das it!
Never again she vill open it.
I’m proud to say
It’s my own invention, Sonny.
SONNY:
Invention?
MOHAMMED:
In English class
I am getting, D plus.
Plus, Sonny
Plus.
Das much more dan I need to pass.
So, I’m tinkin’
My excellent proven homevork system
Could vork for you too.
Present me to Anita
And I vill give
Give
My homevork book to you.
Slap your name on it.
You are good to go.
Vat you say, Sonny?
SONNY:
Introduce you to Anita
For that shit?
Who do you take me for
You little suck
Doofus Doubledumbfuck?
MOHAMMED:
Doubledumbfuck?
Oh no, Sonny.
I just vont to say
Today is Monday
Miss Crone’s
Low tolerance day.
Sonny snatches Mohammed’s notebook and puts it in his back pocket.
SONNY:
Consider this your lucky day.
Now, go away!
As the gravity of what he has just done dawns on him, Mohammed’s mind begins to race with thoughts of meeting love goddess Anita.
MOHAMMED:
Ven, Sonny?
Ven I am meeting, Anita?
Without looking up from his cellphone, Sonny replies:
SONNY:
This morning in English class.
MOHAMMED:
Dis morning in English class?
Oh no, Sonny.
Das too fast.
I don’t tink I’m ready.
SONNY:
Ready?
Ready for what?
Do you or don’t you want to meet Anita?
Mohammed tries to shake his fear and act cool.
MOHAMMED:
I do.
I do.
Sonny, is it true
Anita goes commando?
SONNY:
Mohammed, is it true
Where she goes boys follow?
Mohammed chuckles.
MOHAMMED:
Like down da stairs to . . .
SONNY:
Not down the stairs you moron!
Up!
Up!
MOHAMMED:
Up?
Up?
Vat for Sonny?
SONNY:
No panties.
MOHAMMED:
No panties?
How come?
Dey don’t haf da money?
SONNY:
So you can see her pussy.
MOHAMMED:
She has a cat?
SONNY:
You, idiot!
MOHAMMED:
You mean . . .
SONNY:
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Mohammed is struck by a terrifying thought.
MOHAMMED:
Sonny
Vat if Anita vont to . . .
You know.
I don’t tink I’m ready.
Vat you tink, Sonny?
SONNY:
Shaddap!
Hit on you?
What universe are you livin’ in?
In this one
Love goddesses do not do
Winnie the fuckin’ Pooh!
MOHAMMED:
An tanks to Allah for dat.
Tank you.
Tank you.
But, Sonny . . .
Vat if she vont to . . .
SONNY:
What?
MOHAMMED:
Do something new.
New.
Das me, Sonny!
Me!
I don’t tink I’m ready.
Mohammed reaches out to Sonny.
SONNY:
Shaddap!
An’ don’t touch me.
This morning in English class
You an’ Anita
Gettin’ to know each other
Real fast.
Sonny leaves.
MOHAMMED:
Real fast?
Oh no, Sonny!
I don’t tink so.
Das too fast for me.
Slow fast
Okay.
Medium fast
Maybe.
Real fast
No vay!
No vay!
I can’t do it, Sonny!
I’m not ready!
Mohammed tries to calm himself.
Okay.
Okay.
Breeding in.
Mohammed inhales and exhales deeply several times. He appears relaxed as he continues.
I’m okay.
I’m okay.
I vill make big smile an’ say . . .
Hi, Anita.
I vos just telling, Sonny
How much I am liking your . . .
Pussynality.
I mean your . . .
Pussy.
No!
No!
Not dat!
Not dat!
Da cat!
Da cat!
Mohammed begins to hyperventilate. The lights go out.
Monday mornings are a busy time in the school cafeteria. Rico and his skater friends enter.
RICO:
Senoritas
Amigos, friends
Your attention please.
I saw it wit my own eyes.
Our school has been baptized!
RICO AND FRIENDS:
Baptized!
RICO:
In the name a my brotha
My sista
Miss an’ mista
RICO AND FRIENDS:
Social blista!
RICO:
When people ask you
The name a your school
Say, “Hip Hop High”.
They’ll say, “that’s cool”.
RICO AND FRIENDS:
Da school that’s cool!
Some students cheer. Major and his friends approach Rico.
MAJOR:
Maybe they do.
Maybe they don’t.
Maybe they will.
Maybe they won’t.
Personally
I don’t think they should.
And to tell you the truth
I can’t see why they would.
So
Why don’t you
Back up your banana
Havana.
Major’s friends laugh.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
RICO:
Maybe they do.
Maybe they don’t.
Maybe they will.
Maybe they won’t.
What are you talkin’ about?
MAJOR:
Chico with the spray can
Pissin’ on my school
Like a dog, man.
That’s not cool.
Some students boo.
RICO:
Rin Tin Tin
Need a new flea collar or somethin’?
That’s art, man.
Art will change the world
The way a gun never can!
Some students cheer.
Hip Hop High.
We know where that comes from.
Many students cheer.
MAJOR:
Yeah.
A bunch a dummies
Who fall on their head a lot
Out back
In the school parkin’ lot.
Major’s friends laugh.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
Major points at the slogan on Rico’s T-shirt.
MAJOR:
“Bliss Rock
Spiritual Dancing.”
What the fuck is that?
Major’s friends laugh.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
Rico sees that Major is wearing elevator boots.
RICO:
You should look at yourself, brother
Before you laugh at others.
When Rico’s mumbles something to his friends, they laugh.
MAJOR:
What did you say?
RICO:
I said
“He thinks it’s Funny Shoes Day.”
MAJOR:
Funny Shoes Day?
Rico points at Major’s elevator boots.
RICO:
Funny Shoes Day
Was Tuesday
Last week.
Where’d you get those elevators?
The Shrimp Boutique?
Rico’s friends laugh.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
MAJOR:
What did you say?
RICO:
I said
Push the down button
On your elevator shoes
Before you get famous
On the six o’clock news.
Rico’s friends cheer.
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
As Major and Rico prepare to fight, the cafeteria lights suddenly go out.
In the dark school cafeteria, a spotlight shines on Aprille who appears as a spider woman. She approaches Major.
APRILLE:
“My, my, my.”
Said the Spider to the Fly.
“Take one last look
At the clear blue sky.”
Aprille web-shoots Major and his friends to paralyze them.
STUDENTS:
“Take one last look
At the clear blue sky.”
Aprille approaches Rico.
APRILLE:
“Bye, bye-bye.”
Said the Spider to the Fly.
“Please don’t take this personal
But now you must die.”
Aprille web-shoots Rico and his friends.
STUDENTS:
“Nothing personal
But now you must die!”
APRILLE:
Anger!
Is a short spell of danger.
Take off your mask
Mister Lonely Ranger.
You’re no hotshot
’Cause you know how to explode.
Get your brains on oxygen
Before you reload.
Smart girls
Don’t kiss dumbass toad
Play with explosives
Leave roadkill on the road.
Aprille turns to Rico.
Roll on
On
Easy and cool.
Don’t want no dirty water
In my swimming pool.
Aprille frees Rico and his friends with the wave of her hand. She turns to free Major.
Move, Mr. Dictator
Outta my light!
You darken my day
With your clouded eyesight.
APRILLE AND FRIENDS:
Move, move!
Outta my light!
You darken my day
With your clouded eyesight!
Move, move!
Outta my light!
You darken my day
With your clouded eyesight . . .
The lights go out.
The students of Homeroom 423, drag themselves into a dimly-lit and bare-walled high school classroom. They stand by their desks to lament their fate.
STUDENTS:
Glum day
Bum day
Shit it must be Monday.
Sure ain’t rockin’ Saturday!
Don’t feel like Sunday.
One day
One day
I’ll be free of Monday.
When I see that glorious day
All my school cares fade away.
Monday!
Monday!
Hear us Doctor Funday!
We’ll die like flies
When Crone arrives.
Help us please to get away!
AVA:
Moses led his people out!
STUDENTS:
Moses led his people out!
AVA:
Buddha led his people in!
STUDENTS:
Buddha led his people in!
AVA:
We need a champion!
STUDENTS:
We need a champion!
AVA:
To save us from the dragon!
STUDENTS:
Save us from the dragon!
AVA:
Up
Up
Against the wall
Who
Who
Ya gonna call?
Ava calls Blaed on her cell.
STUDENTS:
Blaed!
Blaed!
Our teacherbuster dude.
Blaed!
Blaed!
Our knight in the hood.
When Blaed answers his cell, Ava sends his video transmission to the classroom’s media board for all to see.
BLAED:
Holy shit!
What time is it?
With his cellphone in hand, Blaed jumps out of his bed and records his journey to the bathroom to take a shower.
AVA:
Please, Blaed
Don’t be sick today.
Not on a Monday.
STUDENTS:
We’re going down
Down
Down
When the teacher arrives.
We need a knight in shining armor
To save innocent lives.
We’re going down
Down
Down
In room 203
Den of the fire-breathing
Dragon Lady!
Blaed has placed his cellphone in a holster near the showerhead and turned on the water. The students cheer when Blaed, wearing his cool shower shades, rises up through the steam into view.
BLAED:
Did I hear someone say
“Dragon Lady”?
STUDENTS:
Yes!
BLAED:
That’s serious.
STUDENTS:
It is!
It is!
BLAED:
Well, then
It’s that time again.
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
STUDENTS:
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
BLAED:
I’m takin’ a shower
In the bath.
STUDENTS:
He’s takin’ a shower
In the bath.
BLAED:
Show me the love.
I’ll turn on the sass.
We’ll have some fun
In English class.
STUDENTS:
You get the love.
We get the laughs.
We’ll have some fun
In English class!
The students cheer.
BLAED:
In concluding
I just wanna say
Shower
Bath
Whatever the scene
You gotta get wet
If you wanna get clean.
STUDENTS:
Shower
Bath
Whatever the scene
You gotta get wet
If you wanna get clean!
BLAED:
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
Splish splash!
Wheeee!
The students cheer as Blaed’s transmission fades out.
On Monday mornings, the school halls are busier than ever. When Aprille Di Madonna, the new girl arrives pulling a suitcase, all eyes turn to her.
Aprille stops to check the locker numbers on the paper in her hand.
Just then, Danny arrives carrying the entire contents of his locker in his arms. When Aprille sees him, she shouts:
APRILLE:
Danny!
DANNY:
I . . .
I . . .
Danny freezes, and falls face down into his locker stuff. The students laugh as he remains motionless on the floor.
When Aprille has left, Danny slowly picks himself up, and straps on his guitar to perform.
First time I saw her
School parkin’ lot.
Carrera Cabriolet.
God made Venus hot.
She wears a green beret.
Talks like a diplomat.
I fell for the goddess
In zero seconds flat.
Please mama, please
I know what I want.
Don’t know to get it from my
Debutante!
STUDENTS:
Not what you need.
Not what you want.
Can’t get a thing from your
Debutante!
DANNY:
Classy perfume
Rare orchid in bloom
My knees grow weak when she
Walks into the room.
Got the nerve to ask the time
But found I could not speak.
My friends laughed like hyenas.
Now she think I’m a freak!
Please mama, please
I know what I want.
Don’t know to get it from my
Debutante!
STUDENTS:
Not what you need.
Not what you want.
Can’t get a thing from your
Debutante!
DANNY:
Please mama, please
I got myself screwed.
I gave her my locker.
Now what do I do?
STUDENTS:
Ask your debutante!
The students laugh and return to what they were doing. Danny puts down his guitar and begins to gather up his locker stuff.
Charlie and his friends arrive. When he sees Danny, Charlie approaches him.
CHARLIE:
What are you doing?
What’s all that shit?
DANNY:
Charlie
You gotta help me.
CHARLIE:
The new girl
I just saw her.
What’s her name?
DANNY:
Aprille.
CHARLIE:
What’s with the luggage?
DANNY:
Her clothes.
CHARLIE:
Clothes?
DANNY:
She’s got lots of clothes.
CHARLIE:
Where’s she keep them?
DANNY:
She’s got more than one locker.
CHARLIE:
How’d she do that?
DANNY:
I don’t know.
Maybe, she . . .
She . . .
CHARLIE:
Got your locker?
DANNY:
That’s a lie!
A lie!
Charlie and his friends laugh.
CHARLIE:
He gave her his locker.
Charlies friends laugh.
DANNY:
I . . .
CHARLIE:
You dummy!
Don’t even think
About movin’ in with me.
DANNY:
Just for the week, man.
Just for the week, Charlie.
Charlie and his friends leave laughing.
Oliver enters room 203 carrying a slender object wrapped in a purple cloth. When he sees that his best friend has not yet arrived, Oliver checks Blaed’s location on his cell.
He then turns to the students of Homeroom 423.
OLIVER:
Ladies and Gentlemen
Girls and Boys
Guess who’s coming to school
With a big bag of toys.
A FEMALE STUDENT:
Santa Claus?
OLIVER:
Yes, little girl.
Our very own Santa Claus.
The guy with the merry cause.
Ho, ho, ho.
You know.
The students laugh and cheer.
Who brings us up
When we are down?
STUDENTS:
Our CC
Our class clown!
OLIVER:
Would that be
Le Marquis de Tresfeunny
Blaed Russell CC?
Oliver checks Blaed’s location on his cell.
STUDENTS:
Oui, oui!
Si, si!
OLIVER:
Well, then
Ladies and gentlemen
It’s that happy time again!
I give you
His
Ho Ho, Holiness
Lotus Flower of Laughter
Incarnation of Bliss.
Five shows daily
At our local high school
An act you don’t want to miss!
The students cheer.
Here, now . . .
To make you happy
Happy as can be
My best friend and yours
Blaed Russell CC!
The students cheer.
The students of Homeroom 423 cheer when Blaed Russell, with his guitar strapped on his back, rides into the room aboard Yippie his hobby horse.
Blaed’s, voice-activated “Laugh Buddy” app, plays pre-programmed music and sound effects. As Yippie rears, Blaed raises his right hand. Some students capture the moment on their cells to share it with friends.
BLAED:
Yippie-i-o
Yippie-ki-yay!
STUDENTS:
Yippie-i-o
Yippie-ki-yay!
BLAED:
Are you ready to rock
On a dark cold Monday?
STUDENTS:
Ready to rock
On a dark cold Monday!
The students cheer as Yippie canters around the room.
BLAED:
Whoa, Yippie!
Whoa!
Blaed dismounts Yippie and hands Yippie’s reins and his guitar, to his valet.
As he removes his riding gloves, Blaed instructs her:
Please see
That he has female company.
A happy horse a smoother ride
I always say.
The students laugh.
What say you, Yippie?
YIPPIE:
Hee ya a a a a a a!
Bro.
The students laugh. When the lights in the classroom go dim, a spotlight shines on Blaed. He gets down on one knee and raises his hands. The students kneel as well.
Oliver removes the purple cloth covering Blaed’s Sacred Iwarrior Sword and places the sword into Blaed’s hands.
When Blaed stands and raises the sword in his right hand, it begins to glow.
The students cheer.
When he draws a circle in the air above his head, it begins to sing.
The students lower their heads.
BLAED:
What say you
Who are oppressed?
Blaed lowers his sword and hands it to Oliver. The students raise their heads.
STUDENTS:
“Under a cruel eye, outworn
In sighing and dismay . . .”
BLAED:
Blake?
STUDENTS:
So, Sir Knight
Must we spend our day?
BLAED:
“Under a cruel eye, outworn?
In sighing and dismay?”
Never!
Never!
Excepting of course
Days I don’t feel clever.
To assure you
Permit me to say
I’m feeling pretty good today.
The students cheer. Blaed mimics Mohammad Ali in the ring.
I’ll be dancing
Dancing
Like Mohammad Ali.
I’ll float like a butterfly
Sting like a bee!
Blaed’s valet helps him strap on his electric guitar.
STUDENTS:
Dance, dance
Like Mohammad Ali!
Float like a butterfly.
Sting like a bee!
BLAED:
Coming soon
Very, soon
To our very own
Classroom.
Blaed accompanies himself on his guitar as he continues.
Rumble!
Rumble!
STUDENTS:
Rumble!
Rumble!
BLAED:
Rough and tumble!
STUDENTS:
Rough and tumble!
BLAED:
It’s a fight to the finish
In the blackboard jungle!
STUDENTS:
Fight to the finish
In the blackboard jungle!
Blaed stops playing his guitar.
BLAED:
Say, kids
What time is it?
STUDENTS:
It’s Howdy Dude, time!
BLAED:
You answer, correctly.
How does Howdy do it?
Ask me.
STUDENTS:
How do ya do it
Howdy?
BLAED:
Like this
Naturally.
Blaed accompanies himself on his guitar.
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
STUDENTS:
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
BLAED:
I’m checkin’ in
To save my flock!
STUDENTS:
He’s checkin’ in
To save his flock!
BLAED:
Tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
STUDENTS:
Tock.
Tick tock.
Tick tock.
BLAED:
I do all I can
To push the creeping clock.
STUDENTS:
Push the clock!
Push the clock!
When Blaed plays a lead on his guitar, the hands of the clock on the wall begin to speed up. When the clock falls to the floor, the students cheer.
BLAED:
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
STUDENTS:
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
BLAED:
Some people in the boat
Were just born to rock!
STUDENTS:
Some people in the boat
Were born to rock!
BLAED:
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
STUDENTS:
Tock!
Tick tock!
Tick tock!
BLAED:
Rock baby!
Rock baby!
Rock baby rock!
BLAED AND STUDENTS:
Rock baby!
Rock baby!
Rock baby rock!
Rock baby!
Rock baby!
Rock baby rock!
The students cheer.
BLAED:
Laughter heals!
STUDENTS:
Heals!
Heals!
BLAED:
I’m a heala!
STUDENTS:
Heala!
Heala!
BLAED:
Joker in da house
I’m your Mickey Mouse.
Your happy hour deala.
STUDENTS:
Deala!
Deala!
BLAED:
Bye-bye blues.
Hello, good cheer.
My specialty?
STUDENTS:
Classroom atmosphere!
The students cheer. Blaed hands his guitar to his valet.
BLAED:
You never know
Never know
How things will go.
Still
As a Knight of Order of CC
My pledge to you
As always shall be . . .
As the lights in the room grow dim, a spotlight shines on Blaed. He gets down on both knees. Oliver hands him the Sacred Sword. With its blade facing downwards, Blaed holds it up with both hands, as he swears the oath of a Knight of the Order of CC. Several students capture the moment to share it with their friends.
I solemnly swear
To do all I can
In every possible way
To make this your best ever . . .
Blaed gets up and makes his sword sing.
Happy
Laughing
Singing
Dancing
English class day!
STUDENTS:
Happy
Laughing
Singing
Dancing
English class day!
The students cheer. Blaed hands the Sacred Sword to Oliver. Aprille approaches Blaed.
APRILLE:
So . . .
You
Are the class clown.
I’ve heard all about you.
BLAED:
I assure you
All the wonderful things you’ve heard
And there’s so much more
Are perfectly true.
The students laugh.
And, you
You are the new girl.
Is it true what they say about you?
APRILLE:
All of it.
Every
Sssspicy bit.
STUDENTS:
Ooh.
Blaed pulls a business card from his wallet and hands it to Aprille.
BLAED:
Sssspicy?
Not to worry.
Your secret is safe with me.
I won’t hold it against you.
Unless of course
You want me to.
The students laugh. Aprille examines Blaed’s business card.
APRILLE:
Blaed Russell CC.
WTOS?
BLAED:
Yes.
I’m the founder of the
Welcome To Our School, committee.
The students laugh.
APRILLE:
And its only member, currently?
The students laugh.
BLAED:
That’s a rumor
I don’t deny, vehemently!
We’re just getting started.
I’m recruiting actively.
The students laugh. Blaed points to the cell number on his business card.
Call me.
Our mission at the WTOS
Tender loving kindness
To ensure that your transition
Is full of joy and bliss.
The students laugh. Blaed turns and shouts:
Major!
MAJOR:
Sir!
BLAED:
Code CAWS.
MAJOR:
Crone Advance Warning System, Sir?
BLAED:
Yes.
We don’t want to get schmucked.
You guard the door.
I’ll take the windows and ventilation duct.
The students laugh.
MAJOR:
Sir!
Major goes to his post by the door to look out for Ms. Crone. Oliver speaks with Blaed and then leaves. Aprille turns to Anita.
APRILLE:
What’s the panic?
I don’t get it?
ANITA:
Don’t you know?
You’ve been transferred into the Inferno.
APRILLE:
The Inferno?
STUDENTS:
Inferno!
ANITA:
The lair of Miss Crone.
A dragon’s den littered
With student bones.
APRILLE:
Student bones?
STUDENTS:
Student bones!
ANITA:
She’ll suck the life
Out of your will to succeed.
She’ll watch you fail.
Laugh as you bleed.
Your self-confidence
Is about to be . . .
STUDENTS:
Annihilated!
ANITA:
Everything about you
Is about to . . .
STUDENTS:
Be underrated!
BLAED:
I get no hugs from the princess.
No handshake from the super.
The king and queen don’t like me.
I’m a party pooper!
Good chance I’ll get crucified.
The work I do’s not certified.
For all my effort and sweat
What thanks do I get
From the Board of Education
No dental plan
No paid holidays
No old age pension.
All I ever get
For sticking out my neck
Detention after detention!
The students boo.
Over-worked!
Under-paid!
I’m the tongue
They call . . .
STUDENTS:
The Blaed!
BLAED:
Howdy, here
Knows how to do it!
Howdy, here
Will help you through it!The students cheer. Oliver returns with other class clowns to perform The Dance of the Class Clown.
Dirk has no interest in the antics of the class clown. He sits at the back of the room where he works undisturbed.
Blaed picks up a book from Dirk’s desk and examines it as he makes his way to the front of the room.
BLAED:.
In my humble opinion
Shakespeare’s finest
Lesser-known work
The Boobsie Twins
Meet the Hardon Boys.
Illustrated, naturally.
The students laugh. Blaed examines the label on the book’s spine.
I see!
I see!
It’s from the new
Porno section
Of our school library.
The students laugh.
Another bold School Board initiative
To improve male literacy.
The students laugh. Dirk snatches his book out of Blaed’s hand. On his way back to his seat, he stops to lean on his desk. Blaed approaches him.
Whadda you been drinkin’, pal?
Gonna sell the Buick, boy?
Toss your biscuits, Leroy?
When Dirk makes a guttural sound, Blaed steps back.
And, now
Now
Another
Up, up, up
And
Unbecoming performance
From Earl the Hurl.
Ladies and Gentlemen
Boys and girls
It’s time to throw up for . . .
Blaed sticks his fingers down his throat.
Urh!
Urh!
Earrraaal!
The students laugh. Major races over to Blaed.
MAJOR:
Enemy spotted in the distance, Sir.
BLAED:
Return to your post
Give me a short advance.
MAJOR:
Sir!
Blaed turns to his classmates.
BLAED:
Ladies and Gentlemen
I’ve just been informed
That Miss Crone –
God bless her little reptile heart –
Is not staying home.
The students laugh and boo.
Our happy, laughing
Singing, dancing
Classroom
Is about to become a war zone.
How unwonderful is that?
STUDENTS:
Very, very
Unwonderful!
BLAED:
Yes.
And as I’ve said before
On similar occasions
Panic!
Panic!
Best thing in this situation!
Major races to his seat shouting:
MAJOR:
She’s coming!
BLAED:
Now, behold
A dragon’s fire so cold
It can freeze your brain dead
In the croak of a toad.A dragon supremely gifted
In making us feel inferior.
Ladies and gentlemen
Our very own
Mother Superior!
Blaed jumps into his seat just as Ms. Crone storms into the room.
Ms. Dorothy Crone, Head of the English Department, generally radiates annoyance when she finds herself in the presence of students.
While some teachers in the school enjoy working with Homeroom 423, Ms. Crone is not one of them. Indeed, “Hellroom 423”, as she refers to it, consistently causes her to radiate annoyance at her very peak levels. She enters the room shouting:
MS. CRONE:
Why haven’t you got your books out yet?
As the students of Homeroom 423 scramble to get out their English books, Ms. Crone dumps a bag of corrected homework assignments on her desk.
When she turns and sees the entire contents of Danny’s locker pilled up on his desk, she shakes her head. When she spots his athletic support strap perched prominently on top of the heap, she shouts:
Daniel!
Get your filthy, stinking, underwear
Off of your desk immediately!
The students laugh.
Don’t you know
You are in violation
Of Health and Safety code regulation
643
Sections C
D
And, E.
DANNY:
E?
I forgot about that one.
Stupid me.
The students laugh as Danny gently pushes his locker stuff off of his desk and onto the floor.
MS. CRONE:
Not into the aisle, you imbecile!
That’s a fire regulation offense!
Put your garbage under your seat
Before I lose my patience!
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
Ms. Crone turns to Harriet, the shy girl, who is already displaying symptoms of TIMP, teacher induced mental paralysis.
MS. CRONE:
Why aren’t your books out yet?
Is there something wrong with your hands?
Or is it your brains, Harriet?
HARRIET:
Ee ee eep!
Harriet’s head drops to her desk. The students boo.
MS. CRONE:
Silence!
I’ve told you once!
I’ve told you twice!
Monday is my low-tolerance day.
I’m not going to be very nice!
I’ve no patience today
For your misguided mission
Of using my class for your
Academic, self-demolition!
STUDENTS:
Ooh!
MS. CRONE:
Low-tolerance day
My LTD
Today is not a good day to upset me!
When a bell signals the beginning of the morning announcements, the media board lights up.
Listen carefully to the morning announcements!
In the school’s broadcast studio, Mademoiselle Latour, the new school secretary, appears ill-at-ease.
It is her first day on the job.
Upon arriving only minutes earlier, she was informed that her duties would include reading the school’s morning announcements – beginning immediately.
When Mademoiselle Latour realizes that she is still chewing gum, she takes it out of her mouth and attempts to stick it under the announcer’s table without being noticed.
When her hand sinks deeply into a wad of freshly discarded bubblegum and gets stuck to her, she jumps out of her seat shouting:
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Merde!
What ees zees poo poo?
The students in the studio laugh. Mademoiselle Latour violently shakes her hand until the gum stuck to it, flies to the floor.
In a fit of rage, she stomps on it. When the wad gets stuck to the heel of her shoe, she is forced to awkwardly drag her foot across the floor to dislodge it.
Peese of sheet!
The students in the studio laugh.
Eets not feunny!
Once seated, Mademoiselle Latour turns to the camera technician.
So, ow I know
I am on zee tele?
CAMERA TECHNICIAN:
When the little red light is on.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Wheech one?
CAMERA TECHNICIAN:
This one.
The camera technician points to the front of the camera.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Yes.
Zat’s what I’m seenking.
Eetz not on.
CAMERA TECHNICIAN:
Dooh!
I forgot to tell you.
It’s broken.
You’ve been on for a while.
You’re on right now.
The students in the studio laugh.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Why nobody tell me?
Mademoiselle Latour lowers her sunglasses to her eyes.
Bonjour.
Bonjour.
Mademoiselle
Zizi Coco Latour.
You can call me, Zizi.
You can call me, Coco.
Only sing I ask you
Pleese don call me Coo Coo.
Hokay, cheri?
The students in the studio laugh and cheer.
Bon
I am zee new secretary.
I make zee announcement
For everybeudy.
Before I am starteeng
Zees morneeng
I wan to say
I don know what I’m doeeng.
Zay telling me, neusing!
All zay say
“Don worry.
Be appy.”
The students in the studio laugh.
Eets not feunny!
Mademoiselle Latour removes her sunglasses and opens the announcements folder.
Bon.
Zee firs message.
Leesen carfeully.
Zee students weel note:
Autobus serty-sree
Az change eez numbeur.
What eez change to
Nobeudy know.
Zee chauffeur
Eez telleen eet to nobeudy.
Ee say
Ee want ees privacy
Before zee leetle basterds
Make eem crazy.
The students laugh. Mademoiselle Latour looks up.
Bonjour, Monsieur Cuckoo.
Eef you telleen eet to nobeudy
Where zee students weel go?
Deed you sink of eet?
I don sink so.
Maybe you too, stupeed!
Stupeed!
The students laugh.
Bon.
Zee next message.
Zee chauffeur
Of autobus twenty-two
Want me to tell you
Eez seek of your
Bad be avieur
Your ensult
Your garbage
Your srets
Zerefore . . .
E weel no longeur transport
Your family
Your furniteure
Or your
Peessing leetal pets.
Zay peesing an sheeting
All oveur eet.
Zee ole autobus smell like
Peese an sheet.
The students laugh. Mademoiselle Latour reprimands them.
Why you laugheeng?
Eets not feunny!
Eef zay peesing an sheeting
All oveur eet
Where zee students weel seet?
In zee pees an’ sheet?
The students laugh. Anthony, one of the school’s bus drivers, bursts into the studio with a huge bouquet of red roses.
When Mademoiselle Latour sees Anthony, her new boyfriend, she gets up.
Oh, Anseunny.
So soon you need me?
Where you park zee autobus
Cheri?
The students laugh. When Mademoiselle Latour realizes her mistake, she covers her mouth and giggles nervously.
ANTHONY:
For your first working day
They said it would be okay.
The students in the studio cheer when Anthony gives Mademoiselle Latour the roses.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Oh, Anseunny
You so good to me.
You make me want to . . .
The camera technician catches all the action as Mademoiselle Latour, a prize-winning weightlifter, puts down the roses, and gives her new boyfriend a spine-crushing kiss that forces him to his knees.
The students in the studio laugh as Anthony struggles to pick himself up.
When Mademoiselle Latour prepares to read his message card, Anthony shouts:
ANTHONY:
Don’t read it!
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
“For my
Autobussy pussy.”
Oh, Anseunny
You so sexy.
The students in the studio laugh.
Just as Mademoiselle Latour cripples Anthony with another spine-crushing kiss, Dr. Murphy the school principal, bursts into the studio.
When Mademoiselle Latour releases Anthony, he drops to the floor. Frightened and disoriented, he crawls away searching for the exit. The camera technician catches all the action.
DR. MURPHY:
What hell is going on here?
Mademoiselle Latool
Do you realize
You are addressing the entire plant?
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Zee entieur planet?
Nobeudy tell me.
DR. MURPHY:
Plant!
Plant!
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Plant?
Plant?
Wheech plant ees zat?
Avocado?
Broccoli?
Choufleur?
Zucchini?
What you sink I ave
Mental
Tell a pussy?
The students in the studio laugh.
DR. MURPHY:
Mademoiselle Latool
You are addressing the entire school!
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Pleeze!
I am, Latour.
Latool ees zee nex village.
Seence, I am starteeng zeez morneeng
Nobeudy tell me neusing.
All zay say to me
“Don worry.
Be appy.”
An’ now
Zee entire planet
Eez laugheeng at me?
DR. MURPHY:
Who gave you this garbage to read?
Mademoiselle Latour points at the students in the studio.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Zay geeve eet to me.
Dr. Murphy turns to the students.
DR. MURPHY:
This is serious!
After this.
All of you!
My office!
Dr. Murphy hands Mademoiselle Latour a piece of paper.
Read that!
Mademoiselle Latour sits down in the announcer’s chair and examines Dr. Murphy’s note.
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
I am reedeeng garbage
To zee entieur planet.
And now . . .
You want me to read
More garbage?
The students in the studio laugh.
Oo are you?
DR. MURPHY:
I am the school principal!
Dr. Murphy!
MADEMOISELLE LATOUR:
Princeepal?
Zee beeg boss?
Ooooh.
Hokay.
Hokay.
Nobeudy tell me.
Nice to meet you.
I am zee new secretary
Mademoiselle Zizi Coco Latour.
You can call me, Zizi.
You can call me, Coco.
Pleese call me
Anysing you want to.
Principal Murphy appears ready to explode.
Zee students
Weel leesen carefeully!
I ave a message
Freum, Dr. Muffy, Meuffy
I don know.
Zee princeepal
Wan to talk about snow.
Mademoiselle Latour gets up and turns to Dr. Murphy.
What you can say about snow?
Eetz cold?
Eetz white?
I don know.
Frosty zee snowman, maybe?
Mademoiselle Latour giggles. When Dr. Murphy attempts to push Mademoiselle Latour out of her way, she suddenly finds herself in a headlock. The camera technician zooms in on the action.
THE CAMERA TECHNICIAN:
Should I stop the camera?
DR. MURPHY:
Shut it off!
The transmission ends.
As the school’s morning announcements continue, a somewhat disheveled Dr. Murphy, appears in the announcer’s chair.
DR. MURPHY:
We shall now continue
With our morning announcements.
Before starting, Dr. Murphy stares sternly at the camera to “eaglize” the students and staff of her plant.
It has come to my attention
That, we
Need to review the school rules
Much more, frequently.
By now
You should all know
Without written Board permission
Changes made to school property
Will result in legal action.
Dr. Murphy signals one of the student technicians, who switches the transmission to an image of the fresh graffiti on the school wall.
Acts of vandalism
Such as this . . .
Shameless property attack
Will do nothing
Nothing!
To bring art classes back.
The broadcast switches back to Dr. Murphy in the studio.
And . . .
As I’ve said
A hundred times before
And plan to say
A hundred times more . . .
This is not, Hip Hop High!
Not Hip Hop High!
Do you hear me?
Dr. Murphy eaglizes her plant, before she continues.
Vice-principal Heep, and I
Student council members
And maintenance staff
Have been out in the cold
Counting and re-counting.
We are now fairly certain
Four hundred and ten bricks
Were modified
Without written Board permission
For even a single one of them.
Not even one!
Where, people
Where are we heading?
What do you not understand
About the rule
“Do not modify school property
Without written Board approval”?
We have the six-page application form
In the office
And if you need four hundred and ten
As you would on this occasion
Our new head office will print them.
Our Board’s vastly expanded SAD
Student Affairs Department
Is a model of efficiency.
A request like this
Will take no time at all to process.
Three months.
Maybe even less.
Dr. Murphy eaglizes her plant.
And, now
Listen carefully.
We have a message
From our Director and CEO
Dr. Bill Flakie.
The transmission switches over to a taped video message from Dr. Bill Flakie.
DR. FLAKIE:
Dr. Flakie
Your Director and CEO
On the topic of . . .
A VOICE:
Vandalism.
DR. FLAKIE:
Having been told
Many times before
I’m sure you know
Your school board is here for you.
Here
In our bright and spacious
New head office
Working ever more efficiently
For our learning community.
Coconut palms
Sky-lit vestibules
Ponds, gardens, waterfalls
Upscale deli-bistro.
We’ve built a temple to learning
That models our corporate credo.
“We make learning – BEAUTIFUL.”
A VOICE:
Vandalism!
DR. FLAKIE:
If you want to make changes
To your school
Every step of the way
We’re here for you.
Whenever
However
Whatever
It is you want to do.
We’ll support you
With manpower, materials, tools.
We’ll help you get the job done
Working by the rules.
To help you minimize the stress
We strongly suggest
Get your paperwork done early.
That’s the key to success.
When Dr. Flakie’s message ends, the morning announcements with Dr. Murphy resume.
DR. MURPHY:
Indoor ponds
Bistro, gardens, waterfalls
Truly inspirational.
Yes, we know how
To make learning beautiful.
And, to provide leadership
As your principal
I shall begin hunting down
Those responsible.
Dr. Murphy eaglizes her plant.
To fast-track the process
The administration
Is offering a twenty dollar reward
For an arrest and possible incarceration.
I’m not asking you
To turn your best friend in.
Help us throw him in prison
With pedophiles and murderers
Or, something.
Dr. Murphy pauses.
Unless, of course . . .
I remind you
It’s your civic duty
To tell me what you know!
Dr. Murphy eaglizes her plant.
And, finally . . .
I’ve been informed
That we are going to have
Our first snowfall of the year.
Is there anyone here
Who does not know
What the school rules say
About student interaction with snow?
Dr. Murphy cups her hands behind her ears.
Hello?
Hello?
I can’t hear you.
Therefore, I shall remind you.
Our physical plant
And surrounding property
Are in a “safe snow zone”.
That means
We leave the snow alone.
We practice “safe snow” etiquette
By saying “no, no, no”
To the snow.
Boys
Do you have your “listening ears” on?
I don’t want to say this
Again and again.
Teachers, after this announcement
Please review our “safe snow” policy.
We need to enforce the rules
Much more aggressively.
Dr. Murphy eaglizes her plant.
And
Finally
My personally selected
Daily wisdom for today.
Listen, carefully.
Dr. Murphy picks up her book of quotations and searches for her selected quote. Unable to find it, she reads a random selection.
Yes.
Here it is.
Here it is.
“Although others may not share it
Your truth is your own.
Stand up for what you believe in
Even if you stand up alone.”
Dr. Murphy slams her book shut. The students in the studio stand and cheer.
Did you like that?
The students in the studio cheer louder. Swept away by the apparent popularity of her selection, Dr. Murphy cannot resist the temptation of adding another rule to the school’s Rule Book.
Well, then
You know my rule about rules.
There’s always room for another rule . . .
STUDENTS IN THE STUDIO:
At our school!
DR. MURPHY:
That’s it.
Well, then . . .
“Although others may not share it . . .”
So forth and so on.
And there you have it.
With a wave of her hand, Dr. Murphy signals the end of the broadcast.