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CLASSROOM
MIXED BAG 1
The Ultimate Psychology Doctoral Paper
A study of the causal relationship between groundward tropism and lachrimatory behavior forms in prematurated isolates. (trans: “Why kids cry when they fall down”)
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
Any student will tell you that the longest five minutes in the world are the last five minutes of a lecture and the shortest five minutes are the last five of an exam.”
Karl Newell
“At high school, I took a little English, a little Math, some science, some hubcaps and some wheel covers.”
Gates Brown
“My grades were four F’s and a D. My tutor suggested I was spending too much time on one subject”
Shelby Metcalf
“Nicholas Udall, the Headmaster of Eton, stole the college plate, was homosexual, went to jail and on coming out was made Headmaster of Westminster. Those were the days.”
George Lyttleton
“When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.”
Emo Phillips
“University politics made me long for the simplicity of the Middle East.”
Henry Kissinger
“When I was a student at the Sorbonne in Paris I used to go out and riot occasionally. I can’t remember now which side I was on.”
John Foster Davis
“America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.”
Evan Esar
Children’s Books You’ll Never See
“You Are Different and That’s Bad”
“Dad’s New Wife Timothy”
“Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household
Pets”
“The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad”
“Babar Meets the Taxidermist”
“Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence”
“The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables”
“Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Mom’s
Purse”
“The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy”
“Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will”
“The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead”
“Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear”
Rules for Writers
1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
6. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Don’t use no double negatives.
12. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
City of Los Angeles High Scoohl Math Profiency final Exam
Name:______________________________
Alias:_______________________________
Gang:______________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6
out of ten shots and shoots 13 rounds at every drive by
shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attend before he
has to reload? What is the Maximum number of people he can
hit?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. He sells an 8-ball to
Ricky for $320, and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram. How
many ounces does he have left? What is the street value of
the remaining coke?
3. Rufus is pimping 3 girls. If his cut is $65 a trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can support his $800 a day crack habit.
4.Jerome wants to cut his half pound of Heroin to make 20 percent more
profit. How many ounces will he need.?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4×4. If
he has stolen 2 BMW’s and 3 4×4’s, how many Chevy’s will he have to steal to make $1000.
6. Raoul is serving 6 years in prison for murder. He was paid $10,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife is spending over $100 per month, how much will be left when he gets out of prison?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8
square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray if he steals 3 full cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8. Hector knocked up 6 of the girls in his gang. There are 28
girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector
knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15 percent, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvdor was arrestted for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12 percent and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by
jumping bail?
Liver and Cheese
A teacher of a language class calls upon three of her
students (all boys) and tells them to make a sentence out
using the two words liver and cheese.
The first boy says, “I do not like liver and cheese.”
The teacher tells him his sentence was boring and to please
sit down.
The second boy goes up and replies, “I DON’T
like liver and cheese!”
The teacher tells him to sit down as well.
The third boy being hispanic goes up and tells the teacher I
have one you will like and he replies, (with a spanish
accent),” Liver alone, cheese mine!”
Philosophy Exam
A college student in a philosophy class was taking his first
examination.
On the paper there was a single line which simply said:
“Is this a question?” – Discuss.
After a short time he wrote:
“If that is a question, then this is an answer.”
The student received an “A” on the exam.
The End of Learning
The teacher was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, “You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod…”
That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
The Ten Ebonic Commandments
1. I be God. Don’ be dissing me.
2. Don’ be makin hood
ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don’ be callin me for no reason – homey don’ play that.
4. Y’all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don’ dis ya mama … an if ya know who ya daddy is, don’ dis him neither.
6. Don’ ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don’ be liftin no goods.
9. Don’ be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don’ be eyein’ ya homie’s crib, ride, or nothin.
Memo To All Students
Memo to all students:
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. please see your lecturer. You will immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list and our lecturers are especially skilled at seeing you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Students who don’t know S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.).
Since our lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, as they are all full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).
For students who are attending to pursue a carrier in management and consultancy, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.). This course
emphasizes on how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T. If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TEACHING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.)
Thank you,
BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
Geography Teacher: Getting Their Attention
If you’re a geography teacher and you desperately need to get your kids more motivated, here’s a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go “Whoa! Whoa!” and flail your arms around, like you’re going to fall in. After this, you’ll have your students eating out of the palm of your hand. Guaranteed!
History Lesson: Nice Touch for Concluding your Viking Unit
Tell your kids that when the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, “Hey, good job.”
History Lesson: Teaching about the Conquistadors
Student: “What were the conquistadors like?”
Teacher: “Well let’s put it this way, if you were a poor Aztec with no weapons and bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don’t think it would be a good idea to say, ‘I swallowed it. So sue me.'”
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good I
Children need encouragement. If a student gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a healthy lucky guess feeling.
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good II
If a kid asks where the rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “probably because of something you did.”
Pedagogy: Help Them Feel Good III (Kids Love This)
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but is was getting pretty late.
History Lesson: Socrates
“Sure, everyone always said ‘Socrates what is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Socrates how can I find happiness’, but did anyone ever say ‘Socrates hemlock is poison.’????” Socrates minutes before his death
The New Writer
Avoid alliteration. Always.
Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
Avoid cliché’s like the plague. (They’re old hat.)
Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
Contractions aren’t necessary.
Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
One should never generalize.
Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.
Be more or less specific.
One-word sentences? Eliminate!
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
New Theories
4th RunnerUp
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
3rd RunnerUp
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.
2nd RunnerUp
The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.
1st RunnerUp
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite
number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.
HONORABLE MENTION:
The quantity of consonants in the English language is
absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah”, the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”
THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could
replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant
buttered-cat arrays” could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.
The Evolution of English
Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC, the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.
European officials have often pointed out that English
spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to
iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.
In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using ‘s’ instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard ‘c’ could be replaced by ‘k’ sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this
klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.
There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was announsed that the troublesome ‘ph’ would henseforth be written ‘f’. This would make words like ‘fotograf’ twenty persent shorter in print.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are possible.
Governments would enkourage the removal of double leters whish have always been a deterent to akurate speling. We would al agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop them and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the
skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’. Perhaps zen ze funktion of ‘w’ kould be taken on by ‘v’, vitsh is, after al, half a ‘w’. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary ‘o’ kould be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the Guvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.
College Entrance Exam – College Football Player Edition
Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire
with particular reference to architecture, literature, law
and social conditions
OR
Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army
(D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one)
(a) Jewish
(B) CATHOLIC
(c) Hindu
(d) Swedish
(e) Agnostic
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters? (Approximately)
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America’s far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(C) NORTHERNERS
9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy’s
(b) 7-11 stores
(c) cats and dogs
(D) THE SKY
12.) Can you explain Einstein’s theory of relativity?
(a) Yes
(b) No
13.) What are coat hangers used for?
14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic
Equilibrium. OR
Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16.) Where is the basement in a three story building
located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) Nigeria
(b) FLORIDA
(c) Canada
(d) Australia
18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19.) What is the phone number for 911?
20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?
21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?
22.) Where does wood come from?
(a) TREES
(b) Asphalt
(c) Steel
23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how
much money do I have left?
New Math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?”
Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!”
Violin Practice
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room
while his father was trying to read in the den.
The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching
sounds of little Harold’s violin reached his ears, he
began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he
could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and
yelled above the noise, “For pity’s sake, can’t you play
something the dog doesn’t know?”