MOLLY’S HOME PAGE
KIDS SAY
SCHOOL
MOLLY TALES
NOTES
CLASSROOM
MIXED BAG 2
“Senior” personal ads in Florida and Arizona newspapers
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s,
slim, 5′-4″ (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth
husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga
and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our
hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated
flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES: I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my
Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you
were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and
listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can
remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many
new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running
condition, but walks well.
Molly says, “Who says seniors don’t have a sense of humor?”
NEGATIVE ATTITUDE???
A New York woman was at her hairdresser’s on Park Avenue getting her hair
styled prior to a trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser,
who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded &
dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you
getting there?”
We’re taking Continental, was the reply. We got a great rate!
“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. That’s a terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s left bank called
Teste… “Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst
hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re
overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope. That’s
rich, laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see
him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of
yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked
her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful, explained the woman, not
only were we on time in one of continental’s brand new planes, but it was
overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were
wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand
and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $5 million
remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s
suite at no extra charge!”
Well, muttered the hairdresser, that’s all well and good, but I know you
didn’t get to see the Pope. “Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained
that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors and if I’d be so kind as
to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”
“Oh, really…What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?”
Message from Santa
Dear Friends.
I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good
this year and since you have I will be telling my elves to make some
goodies for me to leave under your tree at Christmas. I was going to bring
you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas, but we had a little problem.
The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD from fiddling with the
10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids
a-milking, and the 9 piperspiping have been arrested for doing weird
things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves and the
partridge in a pear tree have me up to my sled runners in bird shit.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and some
people who can’t read a calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of
January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and bring you the
things you want.
This year I suggest you get your asses down to Walmart before
everything is gone.
Love,
Santa.
IMPORTANT STUFF
Date: Wed, 20 Nov 2002 17:43:27 -0500
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother
you for weeks.
2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything,
but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble
down the stairs.
3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.
I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday….
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days,
no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to.
7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice
about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men
is they’re a bunch of liars.
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention
to criticism.
10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred
dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60’s people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.
I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the
first.
13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has
already happened.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a
whole box to start a campfire?
15. You read about all these terrorists–most of them came here legally,
but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15
years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you’re two days late with a
video and those people are all over you. Let’s put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
12 Rules of Life
1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move
and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are
“I apologize” and “you are right.”
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her – believe them.
7. Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one year
from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
8. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat
crow while it’s still warm.
9. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another
chance!
10. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because
of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was
right about you.
11. Work is good, but it’s not that important. Money is nice, but
you can’t take it with you. Statistics show most people don’t live to spend
all they saved; some die even before they retire. Anything we have isn’t
really ours; it was given to us by God; He just let us borrow it while we’re
here….even our kids.
12. And finally… Be really good to your family and/or friends. You
never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!
Get Over the Pig
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves
to death.
(Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its
head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping
the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human
jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
I still want to be a pig in my next
life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years
longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Hopefully, this is good for a “light” chuckle.
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,
discussing how important their children are.
The first one tells her friends, “My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.”
The second Catholic woman chirps, “Well, my son is
a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your
Grace’.”
The third Catholic woman says smugly, “Well, not
to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a
room, people say ‘Your Eminence’.”
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in
silence. The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?” She
replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6′ 2”, hardbodied, well-hung, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, “My God….”
Fastest Thinker Alive
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole
heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him so he added, “and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said, “I was impressed with
the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“Canada, sir.” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave
Canada?”, the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up
there.”
“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”
The boy replied, “No shit? Who did she play for?””
Cape Breton Love Poem
Susie Lee done fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ’bout it all
She told her Pappy so.
Pappy told her, “Susie gal,
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo’ Ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half brother”
So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will.
But after telling Pappy this,
He said, “There’s trouble still…
You can’t marry Will, my gal.,
And please don’t tell your Mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo’
I know is yo’ half brother”
But Mama knew and said, “My child,
Just do what makes you happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain’t no kin to Pappy.
Cool things about being a man:
1. Your butt is never a factor in a job interview
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work .. more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch
adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking “He must be mad at me.”
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just
might become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on
December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal.
Ten Things men know for sure about women:
> >
> > 1.
> >
> > 2.
> >
> > 3.
> >
> > 4.
> >
> > 5.
> >
> > 6.
> >
> > 7.
> >
> > 8.
> >
> > 9.
> >
> > 10. They have boobs.
The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over
there by the wall?” and the clerk says
“Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.
I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of
laxative.”
And the owner goes, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle
of laxatives!”
And the clerk goes, “Of course you can! Look at him; he’s afraid to
cough.”
CATHOLIC EDUCATION
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math.
His parents tried everything…tutors, flash cards, special
learning centres…In short, everything they could think of to
improve Tommy’s grades just wasn’t working.
As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local
Catholic School.
After Tommy’s first day at the new school, he came home with a
very serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother hello,
but walked straight to his room and started studying.
Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with
Tommy hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to
dinner, and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched right
back
to his room without a word and started hitting the books as hard
as before.
This went on day after day while his mother tried to understand
what was making the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his
report card. He placed it quietly on the table and walked directly to
his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy’s mom
opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an
A+ in math! She had to know why the Catholic School had made such a
difference, so she went to Tommy’s room.
“So, what was it? Was it the nuns?” she asked.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head
“No.”
“Was it the books…the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms?”Little Tommy again shook his head “No”.
“Then what was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her, with a fearful expression on his
face, and finally answered. “Well, on the first day of school, when I
saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t kidding
around.”
Busted
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of
bottles of Budweiser.
Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a dadgum police roadblock!!
We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’
these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the
bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put the
labels on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff
said, “Howdy boys, y’all been drinkin’?”
“No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “Me and Bubba’s on the
patch.”
Indian WinterIt was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new
Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian
Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When
he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the weather was going to be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the
winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village
should collect firewood to be prepared.
Also, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went
to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Is the
coming winter going to be cold?”
“It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed,” the
meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to
his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Is it going to
be a very cold winter?”
“Yes,” the man at National Weather Service again replied, “it’s definitely
going to be a very cold winter.” The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.
Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?”
“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s going to be one of the coldest winters
ever.”
“How can you be so sure?” the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting wood like crazy.”
