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KIDS SAY
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MIXED BAG
MIXED BAG 2
Discount Rates?
On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time.”
He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?”
A male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”
Hard to Swallow?
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!
“What else do you have?” asks the student. “Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”
The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student. The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know… math always was a little hard to swallow.”
That’s Understandable
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, “Whatever possessed you two to study Japanese ?”
The man said proudly, “We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he’ll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him.”
Don’t Get Tense
An English teacher retired and to supplement his income decided to drive a cab in Baltimore. Now for those of you who don’t know, Baltimore is pretty well known for just about all varieties of seafood. One day he picked up a fare who said he came to the city just to sample the local dishes and said, “Take me to where I can get scrod.”
The ex-teacher was quite taken aback and didn’t reply.
“What’s the matter ?” asked the passenger. “Haven’t you ever had this request before ?”
“Oh Yes…” replied the former grammarian, “but never in the pluperfect subjunctive!”
Teaching:
Let me see if I have this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. Not only that, but I am also to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify disruptive behavior and observe them for signs of abuse.
I am to fight the war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for gun and knives and raise their self-esteem. I am to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play; how to balance a cheque book and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of potential antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment an scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others and, oh yes, teach, always making sure I give the girls in my class 50 per cent of my attention.
I am required by my contract to work on my own time (summers and evenings) and at my own expense towards additional certification and master’s degree, to sponsor the cheerleaders, or the sophomore class (my choice). After school, I am to attend committee and faculty meetings and participate in staff development training to maintain my current certification and employment status.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. I am to do all this with just a piece of chalk, a bulletin board and a few books (some of which I may have to purchase myself). And for doing this, I am to be paid a starting salary that, in some states, qualifies my family for food stamps. Is that all?”
Its a Gender Thing
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or “pencil” she explained, have a gender association, although in English these words are neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer?” The teacher wasn’t certain which it was and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class and the other the men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine because:
1) In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2) They have a lot of data but are still useless.
3) They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4) As soon as you commit to one your realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the female gender because:
1) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2) The native language they us to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3) Even your smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your pay cheque on accessories for it.
Easy Does It
A teacher has a problem with his classroom computer so he telephones the board office to get help. After playing the how long can we make him wait before he hangs up game, he finally speaks with a school board employee who gleefully tells him that someone will be around to fix it in exactly nine months.
The teacher asks will that be in the morning or in the afternoon?
“Why are you concerned?” asks the school board employee, “Nine months is a long time from now?”
“Because on that day you’re sending a guy to fix my wall clock in the morning.” answers the teacher.
Where Did It Go?
The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard, and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
“Johnson,” he asked, ‘where is the decimal point now?”
“On the eraser, sir!” came the reply.
Long Live the Nesters?
It used to be that our kids left the nest in their late teens and weren’t heard from again until they got rich and famous, or something like that. The public nightmare today is that our children will be life-long nesters, hence the following:
A man and his wife decided one day that it was time to visit the judge and file for divorce. Looking at the elderly couple the judge was somewhat confused and asked the old gentleman standing before him,
“How old are you?”
“Ninety-five your Honor!” he was quick to reply.
“And your wife? How old is she?” asked the judge.
“Ninety-two, your Honor.” she replied before her husband could speak.
“And how long have you been married?” asked the magistrate.
“Sixty-seven years.” volunteered the woman sounding somewhat tired.
“Then why do you want to get a divorce now?” asked the judge.
“Well you know how it is these days your Honor.” the old man replied nodding his head, “We were waiting for the children to die.”
Teacher as Stand-up Comic
“I have brought a frog,” said the high school biology teacher to his class of students, “fresh from the pond and I’d like to discuss its outer appearance with you before we dissect it.” Some of the students objected but the teacher explained that he would use the most humane means possible to kill the frog and when the class grew quiet again he carefully unwrapped the parcel he was carrying. As he opened it, inside was a nicely prepared ham sandwich.”
The class of relieved students laughed heartily as the teacher scratched his head. “Strange,” he said to his students, “I distinctly remember having eaten my lunch.”
Know your Food Groups
Thanks to one of my students I recently discovered that I’ve been teaching the three food groups all wrong! Why didn’t somebody tell me earlier? To all of you still relying on textbooks, I say, “Put down the book down sweetie and take a look around you!”
Sometimes it takes a child to point out the obvious. I mean it makes perfect sense. The three food groups? What else but: 1) canned; 2) frozen and 3) take-out.
(And while we’re at it, the three kinds of bloods vessels of course are: arteries; vanes and caterpillars. Yes?)
| Molly says: Check Your Email Did you know it’s getting easier and easier to get a university degree? I wasn’t at all convinced until I got the following email. I particularly enjoyed the reference to prestigious non-accredited institutions; they’ve like gotta be my all time favorite kind. I pass this on to all of you who need a little help getting into high school, teacher’s college or landing that high-paying teaching job you always dreamed about since you were just a heifer. I’m going directly for a Ph.D. I say, “Why waste any time Buttercup?” | |
| “Obtain a prosperous future, money earning power, and the admiration of all. Diplomas from prestigious non-accredited universities based on your present knowledge and life experience. No required tests, classes, books, or interviews. Bachelors, masters, MBA, and doctorate (PhD) diplomas available in the field of your choice. No one is turned down. Confidentiality assured. CALL NOW to receive your diploma within days!!!” | |
| What? Progress! Don’t ya just love it? Something I don’t understand however, why would anybody bother with the Bachelors when they can get the Ph.D. right away? Guilt? Another thing, what if an applicant has no present knowledge, or only very limited life experience like . . okay me! And finally, can I trust these people on the confidentiality thing? I mean, I wouldn’t want the rest of the herd to find out, especially the stud in the picture below. I swear I’d never hear the end of it. Doesn’t he just look like a Harvard boy? If you want that email address let me know. You . . . you want what? The email address of . . . I don’t believe it! He didn’t even pass his last exam at the vet. Molly Moo |
