MOLLY’S HOME PAGE
KIDS SAY
SCHOOL
MOLLY TALES
NOTES
CLASSROOM
MIXED BAG
MIXED BAG 2
The Politically Correct School
No one fails a class anymore, they’re merely “passing impaired.”
One does not get a detention, one is “exit delayed.”
These days, a student isn’t lazy. He’s “energetically declined.”
A locker isn’t overflowing with junk, it’s just “closure prohibitive.”
Kids don’t get grounded anymore. They merely hit “social speed bumps.”
A student’s homework isn’t missing anymore, its just having an “out-of-notebook experience.”
Students are no longer caught sleeping in class, they’re “rationing consciousness.”
Students are not late they just have a “rescheduled arrival time.”
Students don’t have smelly gym socks, they have “odor-retentive athletic footwear.”
No one is tall anymore. They are “vertically enhanced.”
Students are not shy. They’re “conversationally selective.”
Students talk a lot.. They’re just “abundantly verbal.”
Students do not pass notes in class. They “participate in the discreet exchange of penned meditations.”
An errant student is no longer “being sent to the principal’s office”. He or she is “going on a mandatory field trip” to the administrative building.
It’s not called gossip anymore. It’s “the speedy transmission of near-factual information.”
The food at the school cafeteria isn’t awful. It’s “digestively challenged.”
A school is a place where children go to catch a cold from other children so they can stay home. Anonymous
School and education should not be confused; it is only school that can be made easy.
School days can be the happiest days of your life – if your kids are old enough to attend. Anonymous
Some of our schools have gone modern. The kids who once cleaned the erasers now dust the computers. Anonymous
Public schools: A place of detention for children placed in the care of teachers who are afraid of the principal who is afraid of school boards who are afraid of parents who are afraid of their children who are afraid of nothing at all. Anonymous
I once played hooky from school. My teacher sent me a thank-you note. Milton Berle
Schools ain’t what they used to be and never was. Will Rogers
When I was a kid I never went to school- I said I was sick – but always managed to get better by 3:30 – I’d run into the kitchen – “Look Ma – a miracle happened! I’m well! A little angel came and sat on my bed – she touched me with a wand and said, ‘Go out and play.'” Bill Cosby
I went to a very exclusive school. You had to be sent there by a judge!
I went to a tough school. I remember the teacher asking what comes at the end of a sentence and at least three kids in the class shouted, “An appeal!”
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary column.
When it came to education, my father wanted me to have all the advantages he never had. So he sent me to a girls’ school.
The food in the cafeteria is so bad, you get a prescription with every meal.
The food in the cafeteria is so bad, flies go there to commit suicide.
“What is this on my plate in case I have to describe it to my doctor?”
Son: I can’t go to school today.
Father: Why not ?
Son: I don’t feel well
Teacher: Where don’t you feel well ?
Son: In school !
Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn’t you ?
Pupil: Not very much !
Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!
Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!
A good education is the next best thing to a pushy mother. Charles Schulz
The Thrifty StudentOn the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined twenty dollars the first time.”
He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined sixty dollars. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of one hundred eighty dollars. Are there any questions?”
A male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”
On Good Terms
There were three boys who wanted to be in good terms with their new teacher.
They all decided to bring in a gift.
The first boy gave the teacher a box, she shook it and then she smelled it.
She knew the boy’s father worked in a candy store so she asked the boy if it were candy.
The boy said, yes.
The next boy gave her the box he had. Then she shook the box and smelled it. She knew this boy’s father was a florist. She asked, Is it flowers?
The boy said, yes.
The next boy gave her his box, she knew his father worked at a distillery. Then she asked, Is it Rum?
The boy said, no.
Is it Vodka?
The boy said, no.
She shook the box and it started to leak.
She decided to taste what was leaking out.
Then she said, I don’t know, What is it?
The boy said, it’s a puppy.
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Student: Every day I do a drawing for the teacher. She keeps them safe in a big basket under her desk.
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John, on his first day at school began crying. “What’s the matter?” his teacher asked. “I don’t like school,” he sobbed, “and I just found out that I have to stay here until I’m 18.” “That’s nothing,” replied his teacher. “I have to stay until I’m 65.”
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Hilliard and Doris, both seven years old, were walking home from school. He was carrying her books. “Doris,” mooned Hilliard, “you are the first girl I have ever loved.” “Darn it,” said Doris, “I’ve drawn another beginner!”
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Exasperated Teacher: “I asked all the dumbbells in the the class to stand and you’re the only one who did Humphrey. Are you a dumbbell?”
Humphrey: “No, but I thought you might be a little lonely standing there all by yourself.”
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For several months Brad brought Miss Hanley, his third-grade teacher, a bag of raisins. One day he came to class empty-handed. ” Every morning for the past four months you’ve brought me a bag of raisins,” said the teacher, “but today, you didn’t how come?”
“My rabbit died,” replied the little boy.
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TEACHER: Your spelling is much better Ronald. Only five mistakes that time.
RONALD: Thank-you Miss Smith.
TEACHER: Now let’s go on to the next word.
TEACHER: Gordan, how do you spell Mississippi?
GORDAN: The river or the state Miss?
TEACHER: If “can’t” is short for “cannot,” what is “don’t” short for?
NATHALIE: Doughnut.
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Said a boy to his teacher one day,
“Wright has not written ‘rite’ right, I say.”
So the teacher replied,
As the error she eyed,
“Right. Wright, write ‘rite’ right, right away.
STU: I thought this was supposed to be pea soup, but it tastes like soap!
LEW: Oh, it must be tomato soup. Pea soup tastes like gasoline.
ART: That crust on the apple pie was tough.
BART: That wasn’t the crust. That was the paper plate.
TEACHER: Are you good in math?
PUPIL: Yes and no.
TEACHER: What does that mean?
PUPIL: Yes, I’m no good in math.
ALLEN: I won a prize in kindergarten today. The teacher asked me how many legs a hippopotamus has. I said three.
FATHER: Three? How on earth did you win the prize?
ALLEN: I came the closest.
TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?
ALFRED: I get up early.
HANNAH: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
TEACHER: Of course not!
HANNAH: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
SON: Dad, I’m tired of doing homework.
FATHER: Now son, hard work never killed anyone yet.
SON: I know, Dad, but I don’t want to be the first.
TEACHER: Seymour, you copied from Susan’s test didn’t you?
SEYMOUR: How did you find out?
TEACHER: Susan’s test answer says, “I don’t know,” and yours says, “Me neither.”
ANNE: Great news! The teacher said we’d have a test today rain or shine!
JAN: What’s so great about that?
ANNE: It’s snowing!
What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests.
RUPERT: (after the teacher handed out the report cards): I don’t want to scare you, teacher, but my father said that if I didn’t bring home a good report card, somebody was going to get spanked!
TEACHER: Young man, are you the teacher of this class?
STUDENT: No, ma,am.
TEACHER: Then don’t act like an idiot.
SECOND-GRADE STUDENT: I really liked being in your class Miss Jones. I’m sorry you’re not smart enough to teach us next year.
TEACHER: Sheldon, what are you doing? Are you learning anything?
SHELDON: No I’m listening to you.
DREW: Want to hear the story about the broken pencil?
LEW: No thanks, I’m sure it has no point.
HOW DO YOU BEGIN A STORY ABOUT . .
Palm trees? Once a palm a time . . . .
Chess? Once a pawn a time . . . .
A little lake? Once a pond a time . . . .
A joke? Once a pun a time . . .
Father: You’ve got 4 D’s and a C on your report card. What happened?
Son: Maybe I concentrated too hard on the one subject.
Teacher: This note from your father looks a lot like your handwriting.
Student: Well, yes, he borrowed my pen!
College Entrance Exam for Athletes
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- Give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
____ (a) build a bridge ____ (b) sail the ocean ____ (c) lead an army or ____ (d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one) ____ (a) Jewish ____ (b) Catholic ____ (c) Hindu ____ (d) Polish ____ (e) Agnostic
5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America’s far north called? ____ (a) Westerners ____ (b) Southerners ____ (c) Northerners
9. Spell — Bush, Carter and Clinton
Bush: __________________________ Carter: __________________________ Clinton: __________________________
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? ____ (a) Macy’s ____ (b) Kmart ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity? ____ (a) yes ____ (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? ____ (a) New York ____ (b) Florida ____ (c) Canada ____ (d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)? ____ (a) B.C ____ (b) A.D.
Signed _______________________
Fifty fun things to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m so sure you can hear me thinking. ” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand any of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who are you? Where’s the regular guy?”
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas. “If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Forget this!” and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. “
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think. ” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.
50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher”
Physics disclaimers
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. (Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as “Tunneling,” This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor’s Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Year
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a “Gluing” Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are “Rolled Up” into Such a Small “Area” That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.
Impossible final exams
Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.
Art: Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.
Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System circa 1750. Prove your thesis.
Chemistry: You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)
Civil Engineering: This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will wupport your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.
Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
Economics: Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Electrical Engineering: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.
Engineering: The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Epistemology: Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.
General Knowledge: Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
History: Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Mathematics: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.
Medicine: You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Metaphysics: Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Philosophy: Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Physchology: Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man’s work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Physics: Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Political Science: There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
Public Speaking: 2500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Religion: Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.
Sociology: Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Extra Credit: Define the universe, and give three examples
Actual misphrased excerpts from student science exam papers
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.